or so i used to say, i admit. i'd curse them wherever i went. really though, my anger at the supposed injustices of law enforcement was just an extension of my crippling fear of being caught by them. i still don't like cops, but i'm no longer afraid of them.
it's the little things that jolt me back into gratitude. like this morning when i got pulled over for speeding. never mind that everyone else was going just as fast as me, if not faster, but this cop just sort of settled on pulling me over instead of them. no matter. but still, i was annoyed, and a little angry.
i should mention that i have an excellent driving record, and i haven't gotten pulled over in years. i guess that's why she gave me a warning. and as i was looking at the pamphlet she gave me outlining the area's driving reminders with my license and registration, i realized how lucky i was.
two years ago if i'd been pulled over, i would be sweating bullets and worrying about going to jail. i can remember run-ins with the cops before that resulted in everyone i was with being arrested but me. i can even remember being high and having thousands of dollars worth of drugs in my trunk as the cops pulled each other aside to discuss whether or not to search me. luckily, i never did end up in jail, though there were times i prayed for it because i knew i wouldn't be able to use if i were locked up. and there were many times i should have been arrested but i wasn't.
so as i pulled back out into traffic, i thanked the universe for working in my favor. it seems like such a small thing, but really, it's not. living without fear is the most amazing and beautiful high i've experienced so far, and just for today, i'll do whatever i need to do to keep it up.