Yesterday, through a series of impulsiveness and tics (couldn’t see), I really bashed up my right hand.  It only left this teeny mark, after all that, though, and really it hurts a lot more than it looks.  But I didn’t show it, I didn’t act like it was a big deal, even though really I felt so angry and frustrated at my body for being so out of control that I keep doing this to myself, injuring myself without intention (and with intention, at other times).  Then it occurred to me, as I was dashing off to catch the 17.53 train home, that some day I’m going to be too old to heal as easily as I do now…and will I still be just as accident-prone?  I mean, this is really something to think about. Am I going to end up totally destroyed by arthritis (can’t stop smashing my knuckles and fingers around in hideous, painful ways a la tics) and covered in bruises, with dislocated limbs and utter blindness and maybe deafness as well?  And even worse scattiness than I have now? Is this what lies in store for me?[br][br]I think being old is just something that doesn’t seem like a realistic future for me.  I can’t see past, say, 40. I’m not really bothered about being middle-aged.  But that elderliness…I hope it makes more sense when it hits me, because right now I really can’t see it ever applying to me. I guess that’s typical for anyone, but…my health. That’s a big aspect of it.  And death. No, I won’t go down that thought train right now.[br][br]Work was good, today.  Personally, it was, anyway. I was busy all day until now (a half hour before the end of the day), helping different departments, doing all kinds of menial jobs.  But they got me away from the desk, so I could stand in another room doing a boring task and just zoning out, singing songs to myself, thinking, that sort of thing, which was nice.  I really don’t care what I do for a job. I mean, I do, but you know. It’s just money. A career is different, I care about a career some day.  But a job, it’s just so I have a salary, and I take pride in what I do, even if it’s just typing or stuffing envelopes or answering calls or whatever.  I enjoy it when I feel I’m doing it well, doing it efficiently, helping people and filling up the time in the day so it moves quickly.  So today I’m feeling really good. Also, I’m actually keeping up with my ‘to do’ list for the week (mostly).  That doesn’t often happen, but yes, I seem to be on top of things, generally.  I feel calm and in control now. Things are falling into place.  This wedding stuff is getting easier, too – God bless Excel spreadsheets.[br][br]And now I get to leave in 26 minutes and counting, put on my headphones, sink into some lovely music in my lovely new expensive headphones that finally do what I’ve always wanted headphones to do for the sound, hop on a train and get back to reading Alice Sebold’s ‘The Almost Moon’. It’s a harrowing, fascinating book so far – I’m utterly hooked. Anyone else read it? It’s about a woman who murders her ailing mother, but not really in a euthanasia way; more because she loved her, but always passionately hated her too.  It’s about control. It’s amazingly written. I am liking it so much more than ‘The Lovely Bones’ (also by her), which I know got hyped as like THE book of the century so far, but I thought it was a bit…ohhh will I sound pretentious if I say puerile??  Probably. But there you have it. It was such a violent plot, one that actually stayed with me ever since and really wreaked havoc with my OCD…but then it wound up being so ‘heart-warming’ and quaint, it just didn’t jive with me.  I hope this book doesn’t go that route. So far it seems highly unlikely.  I just like things to be more realistic.  If it’s going to be that sugary sweet, it should feel that way consistently.

1 Comment
  1. hiddenrainbow 14 years ago

    Lovely post!  I\’m sorry about the tics and such that are beating you up.  Maybe as you grow older, instead of your skin getting thinner and more easily torn, it will get thicker and you\’ll never have another cut! Errr….well you can hope!

    Your day sounds great.  How I would love to be able to have a job…something to take pride in and earn money.  And then relax with music and a book!  Someday I\’ll be there again.

    Hope your evening goes well.

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