well i have been on that emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks and couldnt figure out what the cause  was. my sponser and i are just forming our relationship. so i'm not to keen on calling him when every little malfunction appears. so i have been on this ride  wanting and needing to get out of myself.

 when the pain got great enough i called the one person who i know would see what i am going thru and tell me with out holding anything back and he is the one i can truely say i accept what he says at face value and would never expect him to sugar coat sh*t. actually take and follow thru with his suggestions on call as to where i struggle taking others till i absolutely need to. 

i have been totally beating myself up saying i am in ful relaps mode and getting brutely honest about how the disease didnt want me in the meetings. i was telling the fellowship i didnt like them ( well i dont like a lot of them but yeah thats my right as long as i can bond with the ones that have what i want). i was also thinking that the fellowship wasnt there for me and that i was alone….. 

apon talking to my frind in recovery i was able to see that i am simply going thru changes in my recovery and in my life. he gave me some valid suggestions and as usual i followed them and have been able to see things with some clarity, 

the program works in unexplainable ways in my life today, my higher power puts me where i need to be regaurdless if i want to be there or not, and is slowly weeding the drama out of my life as long as i get out of the way it works. but as an addict i want it when and how i want it and the self esteem wouldnt allow me to see the ppl that mean the most to my recovery.

 FOR THE NEW COMER………..

if your struggling in your recovery get connected hold on and get out of the way it simply aint that deep. nothing is worth the pain and misory that we put ourselves thru….. i still struggel with the defects of chacter that i have but yeah wroking on them is a never ending  process. so in short…. this addict has to keep telling himself to keep it stupid. 

EVERY CLEAN DAY IS A  A DAY WORTH LIVING NO MATTER HOW YA FEEL