feeling on edge. Feel like everythings going too fast. Everythings too much. I can't cope. I want to die. After a week of a major high now i've gone back down i feel majorly anxious, not because i feel i've made mistakes as such but because i just feel like i've gone so fast and now i can't keep up with myself and now i'm scared. sure it means i've got some things i needed to done but now it feels like it's all crashing round me and like….well it's just too fast. I was high the thought of taking little steps didn't come into my head it was a case of plunging straight in there! Gawd i dunno how much money i've spend over the last week, there is still plenty more to be delivered! And i'm just sat here feeling edgey because…..wow how much stuff can one person buy for themselves! And all of the orders are too late to cancel now. I feel like my only option is to kill myself. I feel tangled in mess, i'm not sure what the mess is yet. But i feel tangled anyhow and feel like i have plenty of reason to be anxious. I'm not sure if i'm worried about the money or what i've bought. See i like in a house hold that has kept me inhibited for years. I'm still dealing with that and it's really wearing me down. I buy for example i'll buy some clothes that i personally like but i'll wear them only when everyone else is out….then quickly change before they get home from work. It's notthing to serious. It could just be a simple jacket, or a shirt just a general mans shirt, jacket or whatever…But i fear there reaction so much cause i know what they like. "haha you look so stupid in that! So ugly! haha it really brings out your ugly side" People were like it in school too. I like rock music, like many other men my age of 19. I liekd rock music whilst in high school too. However the bands i liked were deemed as 'cool' and as i wasn't cool if i was to suggest i liked a band that loads of others liked to they laughed and were like "You do know they're a rock band right? haha" I went into school on non uniform day and i was wearing a hoodie, a linkin park jumper. I got laughed at for wearing this jumper cause i'm not in with the cool people. They said "You do know what linkin park is don't you?" all laughing at me like i was retarded. and i said "Yea i know what linkin park is thanks" in a  sarcastic, fed of this shit tone they laughde again "You ever heard them?" i replied "Yea i've heard them i have their latest album"  the look on their faces…..was a look of desbilieve yet a smug look all the same and they laughed some more. It's like i'm not supposed to like that…..because i wasn't in the cool crowd! I was just like many of them though, they just didn't give me the chance! They took one look at me and that was that, i was some weird person deranged retard. I walked slower than them because of my heart condition, my skin back then used to have a purple complexion to it due to bad circulation, i was small and always tended to look somewhat sad. Mainly cause apart from the times when i suddenly got a surge of confidence for whatever reason i was generally a sad person. Partly cause of the way people treated me and partly due to my own personal issues and home issues. My sister was embarrased to have me in the same school and tried to make her self distant from me as much as she could. On my first day at school my sister and my supposed best friend at the time told me to meet them at the steps outside of the school….I waited for 20 minutes in the rain…They didn't bother meeting me! They just walked home together! They were gonna show me the short cut home, at least that was the plan. So instead 20 minutes later i walked off what was now an empty school ground even half the teachers had left by now….I know i waited a while but my sister told me she sometimes was late cause she had teachers to see and things….so i thought maybe it was just that. So yea i walked home the long way round home in the pouring rain by the time i got home i was soaked through and it was dark. I always remember that day. I was this nervous little thing! going to high school for the first time, coming from a primary school where i was bullied…I was nervous as hell….I knew it'd be worse in high school. And it was worse. Obvioulsy now i no longer go to school so i've broken away from them bullies, thank god! but it still effects me deep down inside. it's caused me issues. But i live with a bully. My sister. I already don't have much confidence due to school and personal things and she just walks all over it some more. So whenever i start to to live for myself, be myself it lasts a few days then…then the fear hits and then i feel so on edge and anxious.

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