i\'ve been doin my best to not blog lately. i\'m tryin to get out there and take care of what needs done. but the thing is i\'m at my wits end with my fucking life. as a matter of fact i\'m thinkin that most of you are getting sick of me posting blogs. but isn\'t the purpose of blogging on here to get help, give support, and express how you feel inside?

well, i\'m also sick of complaining on here. but i\'ve got noone else to turn to. noone else to talk to. lol, or type. i guess i really don\'t talk to my blogs and they don\'t talk back, but it actually does help sometimes to just get how i\'m feeling off my chest. alot of times i hold back b/c of the fact that i have so much that i have to do out here in cali to establish my life after my move. but my issues are interfeering wlith my life so much i can\'t take it. i mean i do what i have to do. i get up everyday (when i can actually sleep), and i workout, i take care of the household shit. i take care of bills, endless insurance issues, issues regarding my meds, and so many other personal issues that i can\'t even begin to start. but i\'ve got so much to do…i\'ve got to get into college, find a job, find a way to pay for my lease when it\'s up in jan.011. i need to get into a shrink to get my meds prescribed and most likely make a change(and it\'s so far takin 3 months of me making phone calls everyday and my support group helping me to try and be seen somewhere. and still nothing. i cant get in until july 8. so i guess until then i just should suck it up and be a man right?

i\'m not good enough for anyone it would seem. i\'m trying my fucking hardest i have ever tried in my life to improve myself, i\'m doing things i never dreamed i would. i\'m doing things that so many people with my issues would like to do but havent been lucky enough to get the support and insurance like i had in ohio. it took years for me to get this far. and i\'m not even allowed to(well, i had better just stop there. but i guess i just have to prove myself to the world even tho i told myself that it only mattered what the people that love me think of me.

my mindstate is fucked. but yet i go on. the only questiion is for how much longer can i go on. tonight, like most nights, i can\'t sleep and my depression is kiling me. but thats all i\'ll say. i have to get by, b/c i am strong. however i\'m not always strong, and now is the hardest time of my life in every way. …idk anymore…