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i havent felt so overwhelmed in such a long time. i feel like im drowning in my self. im crying all the time, im angry all the time, i speak to my bf matt like hes an idiot and im pushing him away more everyday, i keep expecting somthing bad to come along.

im misrable underneath it all. i hate what i see in the mirror. nothing i do is good enough. my step mum makes me feel worthless and that nothing i do is right or what she wants. i try so hard to do everything right. i put my life on hold to please her.

i constantly cleaning cooking ect. im always beeing the adult. im not an adult, im a child. i need to be a child. my firends get to be that, i dont. im always rushing to get home from uni to cook dinner and walk the dogs or clean befor kate gets back, even though im supose to be at uni till 4.30 or later if i need to. & atm i need to be there for as long as possible with 3 projects & an essay on the go all due in the next couple of days!

but no, i still am rushing to make sure kates dinner is on the table by 6.45/7pm . however if kate fancies cooking dinner it can be on the table any time between 6.45 & 8pm. i would be in trouble if i did that.  im always cleaning up every little bit, & god forbid i miss somthing! kate goes mad if somthings not done, when all she need to do was ask me instead of waiting for me to be telopathic and do it.

her & my dad are fighting so much, so have to deal with all of that. plus the fact my step brothes away so i cant even hide with him, i cant talk to him, or wait till he's calmed kate down cos thats what he does. i have to deal with the carnage and mess left behind. i have to listen to it. & then if my dads not around i get shouted at cos im the nearest thing to my dad.

i have so much uni work & i never get a change to do it properly or give it my full concentration becasue im always tidying, cheaking that its not time for kate to come home & when she is she doesnt leave me be on the computer she has to cheak on me. which i hate. 

i cant tell my dad that i hate his wife. that 9 out of 10 of our problems have been becasue he married her. i cant tell him that im misrable.

nope. i have to carry this loneliness around with me all day every day. only 1 person at uni knows i have depression. so i cant talk to anyone there. my bf puts up with so much shit & does cheer me up alot, but i also fear that one day he's gona turn round and walk away becasue he just wants an easy relationship with a normal person who isnt always apologising for mood swings and being mean to him. i love him, i do. so much. him & my dad are about the only things that make me feel any better, & i'd proberly not bother being here if they werent around.

i desperatly want to cut and just let out all of these feelings, but the disapointment in matts eyes would destroy me inside. im fighting myself so much over it. i know i;d feel instantly better, but then matt would be so upset. but if i keep all this emotion inside its going to eat away at me & im going to become really nasty to matt.

dilema

xox

 

1 Comment
  1. jeneva5 11 years ago

    Hang in there.  I know how hard it is to struggle with the thoughts of self-harm.  Maybe keeping a journal would help?  It might help you vent your frustrations and worries without lashing out at your boyfriend.  I do this to my fiance too so I know how it is.  Hang in there and if you ever need someone else to talk to, feel free to send me a message.

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