Hmmm.. Day two on meds and off of work..1/2 Cipralix and 10mg of Synthroid. No nausea this morning and not feeling drugged like yesterday.
Spent the night alone last night watching movies. Still no appetite, just kind of existing. Once again I could relate it to the flu, that weak tired jittery feeling like you can leave the bed or couch and know you need to to be patient and that it will pass. had trouble to sleep, full of anxiety in my belly and still seeing my work files in my head. Yuck,, make it go away. My very understanding boyfriend moved to the foot of the bed and told me to trust him as to why he did it. He was right. I fell asleep almost immediately, I guess my spirit needs alone time as I feel the presence too much of others at the moment.
I woke up this morning feeling clearer. Let me me clear about something, I can not remember the last time I woke up wanting to get out of bed to see the day, and when I did, I was always nagged by this .. thing.. in my head telling me that it would not last. I realize that being off of work is helping me to see the sun better as I don`t have to force the smile on my face, I can now rest when I need too. The guilt is pretty strong about leaving my clients behind however and I wonder when it will pass. I am not sure if I have jepordized my job standing or my co workers respect.
I still wish to travel but for the longest time, all I ever wanted to do was travel or run away so as to try and feel better. My dream was always to work in an environment that helped people.. like the Red Cross or to volunteer abroad but really *** I do not trust my decisions *** I can`t wait to be clear headed enought to know what it is I really really want and need.
i have to tell myself evey minute to just relax and not make plans… no promises.. no plans.. baby steps. my b-friend wanted me to go to town today and I told him no, not yet.
Spoke with my sister and a friend today. God bless them, they live in their own miseries and ups and downs. God bless them for never leaving me, god bless them for being happy for my time off and my meds. I get that for some, it is a bit selfish on their part cause they love me and are VERY tired of seeing my sick ( in a manner of speaking ) but not selfish cause they love me and if they didn`t, they would have left my side a long time ago.
I have some making up ito do to earn everyone trust again. But for now, sharing is the best gift I can give me and them. I don`t expect everyone to understand and I only share with those who suffered through this with me for so long. I have faith that the person I am is whom they remember and like and I will be that person one day. Ok enough with the melodramatics, I want to think about finding a hobby for the next few weeks but I promised myslef not to make promises.. 🙂 One day at a time.. sweet jesus!