*sigh. It's funny how feeling so horrible can make everything seem so clear.. how it's pointless to try to communicate with other people…how far away they are…how trivial everything is…and how there's nothing to look forward to..i'm a very selfish person. i think about myself more than others. a few years ago i fell in love with a very caring young woman. her sensitivity and concern for other people depressed and overwhelmed her. their pain, the unfairness of life, how just how people really aren't that great toward each other..when i feel depressed i remind myself of that. wishing i could feel sad about it, because it is sad stuff, but i think i'm too heartless. i used to work with a lady who said "people care about what affects them" and i agree, because that's the most obvious thing because it's very direct. other people's pain is vague unless you can see it, and get close to other people..but i'm not, and i don't…i'm a socially awkward hermit, who wishes he wasn't, but at the same time, it's how i am. I've come to the realization that i think part of the reason i think i'm so selfish, and why i'm so self obsessed. is because i'm scared. i worry about my own value in other people's eyes. because i'm insecure, and want to be loved. but it backfires, because all the time i spend thinking about myself, i don't see how i'm interacting with people i like, and how it's affecting them. usually in a negative way. I can wrap my mind around this fact, but i can't break from it. it's plagued me for a long time. i don't have anything to offer socially, and that doesn't help either…
which brings me to right now, this moment. I'm feeling really bad. eating really bad ramen, to match. If you go to the chat for this website. you probably know midevil. I have respect for mid. he made an impressive comment, that reminded me of the woman i love, yet have to accept has gone..it's rough..it's been a year next month, and i still miss her presence. I apparently need friends, to disperse my dependency on other people. instead of having it potently on one individual.. too bad i suck at making friends. and i'm really picky anyway…oh well i'll survive. probably. things haven't killed me yet, as much as it aches.
i've noticed i get on peoples nerves. hell, i even get on my own nerves.i'm generally content being by myself, but when i get desperate, and i can't stand it anymore..it really sucks.. i try too hard. and then i'm just stuck thinking about…how incredibly lonely life is, if you're honest about it.
/ feel good moment