I hate feeling so good in the day, because I feel so awful at night. The night makes me feel like how I felt before was a lie. But my mood has evened out now that I’m off of risperodol(spelling?). Tommorrow I’m starting Prozac, which I’ve never tried before. I really hope its alot different from other meds I’ve taken the past…because nothings ever given me relief.

As much as I’m miserable being stuck at home while everyone else is moving forward with their lives…I’m scared of ever leaving this place in time. This place where all I havet to do is get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night. I don’t really have any responsiblilties, and I’m getting used to that. In a way it feels like a protective shell because if I’m not ever exposed to the world then the world can never hurt or dissapoint me. I want to keep it that way.

I don’t even want to start over anymore, even if I could be happy, in fact, I know I could be happy. But I don’t want it anymore. I feel like I’ve lost alot of faith in other people’s sense of humanity. I don’t want to walk around in a world of people….that I don’t…I don’t know the words. If there can be so many people in the world that don’t care about others, are mean, and selfish.

And then there are my own mistakes. I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel like my slate is clean, even from the stuppidest things. I feel like my indesgretions are tact to my back by those who I used to trust and care about. Who do I care for anymore? Do I dole out my love to those who’ve taken it in the past? Do I look for someone I feel really deserves it?

Even if I did, I’ve always had trouble making friends, true friends that I really connect with. I hate this, and I hate being to much of a coward to do what I really need…for this all to end. I just want to fall away, I feel like my body is a jigsaw puzzle that was whole but has just been busted apart.


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