Had a fight with my father today,

I told him that my sister and i wouldn’t be spending Christmas with him but we would be there Christmas eve… mY Sister got in to a big argument with his girl friend a couple of weeks ago so shit has been shaky ever since. Well its always been shaky but now its a freaking earthquake. Thank god we don’t live there, it would probably be a literal war zone all the time, but we do try to keep some sort of relationship with him. Flaws and all he is still our father and the only one we will ever have.

My mother died 9 years ago today. I dont know how i feel about it now. Funny how its been sooo long since her passing and i almost am mad at her forleaving, for dying and leaving us behind. I want to think about how different my life would have been with her here, but my heart won’t let me go there. my mind say it was meant to be and there is no way i could know of what was to be the future. i still wish she was here. Sometimes i wish i was the glue that could hold this family together, but im not. Im not even freakin duck tape. Im more like the piece of improvisational chewing gum that you hope would hold your shit together, at least for a while since there seems to be nothing better around.

i want a good relationship with my father, despite all the crap ive been through. i love my grandma, and my uncle but it seems that they are slowly killing me. its not they’re nature to search and destroy, they have no sinister plan for my destruction. but i react to there temperaments rather poorly. i sometimes quiet literally don’t even know how to respond to them. I don’t think they know just how easily my spirit can break.

Today was the first time in a long time where i felt the urge to cut myself. i didn’t do it. i didn’t even search for a tool. i just thought about it. i thought about it when my grandma began to tell me that she was dying, she was sick— crying wolf. i tell her not to do that cause i will never know if she is serious and one day she may really need help and no one will believe her. i thought about it after i texted and called and called and called again my dad after our fight thing morning and I didn’t get a response. i was worried that he was doing, or thinking of doing something stupid… i dont know. if i have that trait in my he must have it as well. i know that he tried terribly not to call back. to have distance. but he finally did. i can hear it in his cracked, soft voice. i can hear that he is sad. and it breaks my heart. but if he wont express how he feels, if he wont compromise theres nothing i can do. He told my sister that unless she apologizes to his girlfriend she cant come back to the house. They only thing is that his girlfriend called her a "bitch" and threaten to psychically harm her, so she defended herself. i don’t blame my sister for not wanting to speak to her. BUT why is my daddy so bent on the apology. cant my sister just come and visit him without having to talk to his girlfriend? why must she address his girlfriend, and why cant the same girlfriend apologize?

IDK, till next time