11:02 am 6/22/09 Monday anxieytribe.com blog
Part of me hates to become organized. It is my inner rebel or delinquent who wants to play hooky and avod working. The inner rebel just wants to play and do fun addictive things like compulsive web surfing to avoid growing up. I feel like I don't want to grow up because that means taking responsibility for my life and then I would have no protection from my self blaming inner critic and judge. Better to avoid growing up and to avoid confronting the intense and crushing perfectionism. Yet another side of me feels I don't want to keep running away and shirking my responsibilities. I need God's help to try to find balance between avoidance and self blame.
I get discouraged and despair because the struggle between my inner rebel and my inner judge has been going on for as long as I can remember. I have internalized the struggle that my dad who was avoidant and passive aggresive rebel had with my mom who was psychologcally castrating and chronically disappointed with my dad. I keep replaying these childhood scenes everyday with different parts of myself taking on the avoidant rebellious role of my dad and another part of myself taking on the critical, castrating, and chronically disappointed role of my mom. .
I need the wisdom and the courage that comes from my higher power to escape from this psycholgically repetitious cycle. I know intellectually that the Holy Spirit can help me but I am like the man in scripture who cried out "Lord I believe, help my unbelief" Mark 9:24. I can totally relate to the father of a boy who was very disturbed and who is begging JC to heal his self destructive boy. The father hears JC saying "Everything is possible for him who believes." The boy's dad yells out " I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief"
Lord, help me overcome my unbelief. Heal the psychologically self destructive inner child in me who keeps throwing himself into the fire from childhood. Help me to continue to pray for healing and relief. As JC said in ark 9:29 "This kind can come out only by prayer."
Need to start planning my day, facing the inner critic, I dread this part but I am going to ask God to help me step out in faith despite the fear….