I went through a stage of black depression, over several years, but recovered, with the help of Paxil. It’s been several years that I’ve been okay, without needing any medication, and I attribute that in great to part to getting plenty of exercise and eating nutritiously. Lately, however, I’ve been unable to get the exercise I need, and I’ve been feeling very hopeless, again.
I’m married to a man who’s wonderful, but expects a great deal of my time and energy. I work and go to school, during the day. I used to go for a long walk, almost every night, but now my husband expects me to stay home, with him, in the evening, because he complains that I leave him alone, all day. He works from home, so he goes out, for his own walk, during the day. I tell him he could just go out with me, in the evening, but he says he doesn’t like to walk after dinner.
I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do, because I love my husband, but living with him is killing me, and not just in this way. He doesn’t participate in events that are important to my culture and my family, he refuses to meet my younger friends, he won’t come with me when I do many of the things I enjoy, but then he complains when I leave him at home and go out, on my own, to do the things he refuses to do with me. He tells me I’m selfish for following my dreams and returning to school, and sometimes I hate him for being so stingy with me, that I can’t even pursue my dreams without his assessing it as some sort of loss to himself. I feel I’m being asked to give up my life – my self, really – and I can’t do it without feeling resentment.
I was feeling so good, so healthy and "normal." I can’t believe I’m back down, so low, again. I know that my husband is a good man and that a strong woman would be able to demand what she needs from him, and get it, but I don’t feel up to making demands of anybody, right now. I feel batterred by all the ordinary things, in life. I hate myself for being so weak.