I woke today with a dream that had me crying and I wondered how this world could invade the only part of my life that I thought was safe. My dreams.

Where words flowed through me here and my poems so insightful to my feelings I find that I can't even express anymore the depth of how I feel. The ebb and tide of my feelings I could write with such fluent expressions. I have lost my thoughts and my writings with fingers that use to let feelings flow with such ease.

My paranoid thoughts have caused me to back away from life, family and friends. Those thoughts of .."they don't understand", "they are tired of me and this drepession"," tired of my ups and downs". Many days I just want to lock myself away and take myself from my surroundings. There is no one to explain to……talk to……..or even have understand my erratic behavior at times.

My mind and my ideas for my course in life didn't end as I had thought or planned. It only got worst as I aged. I have alienated everyone in my life and I'm not sure how I did it . It was like I woke one day and everyone was gone. Someone asked me the other day from DT what had I done..I could come up with so many excuses but that they are excuses.

I have an affliction {as I call it}. I never asked for it , wish I didn't have it and I want to be normal so bad that it pains me to the core. Where I was so full of life, laughter, and energy, I find not an ounce of the "old" me anymore. I don't find pity in myself..or ask for it. I only want understanding from those that love me or hope love me.I would like in my life people who can be around me with the knowledge I am not like everyone. But to enjoy my good days and listen for a small part of time my feelings of disparity. I try to explain this darkness just invades my life, comes over me when I least expect it. Maybe my mind is thinking..just thinking and it takes me places that aren't truthful or even happening , but it does take over. Then the guilt…such a big word. Guilt for everything around me. Did I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, act the wrong way and thats when I must punish myself for exisiting. Does it help? But for only the time I am cutting. And that is guilt. I look at myself and say …why? And I must hide my actions for what would one think of me but is she crazy! Maybe they already think that.

My lonliness is depriving me of life. I have a fear, that fear keeps me in that state.

My glimmer of something good is a shrink that is not only a friend but my doctor. I am blessed in that part of my life. No wait if I think hard I have many parts of my life that are blessings. I just am blind. I am alive, today I am alive. Is that not a blessing?