Still filled with a feeling of disdain today, but two of my long distance friends tried feverously to cheer me up. I feel like an asshole for being so gloomy in their presence. They refuse to give in and just let me rot away. A few times, it just felt like I was trying to hard to just laugh, whereas other times, it just felt like the only person I’m fooling is myself. I can’t possibly ever deserve anyone in this life. I felt a great sense of envy for what those two share. Their love is filled with passion and high hopes for a future together, yet all I’m doing is looking for an empty grave to dive into. I remembered when I talked with my ex-fiance once, she said that even though she could no longer be there in my life, she will always love me and nothing could ever take away those moments we spent together. She asked me to go out in life and seek that which will make me happy. I feel even more terrible that I’m doing the oppossite. I want to do something… anything but I’ve always felt like it’s out of reach. I was always the strongest when I had someone beside me to walk towards a future with. I have this uncontrollable fear of being alone in this life but maybe in this life journey, it’s unavoidable. Maybe I’m destined to die alone and at a young age… I dunno… Truth be told, I never thought I would live beyond 21 at the most. So much is uncertain in this life. I’m a terrible person for wasting it. I was given a second chance yet nearly 8 years have gone by and nothing has changed. If anything, I’m even worse off than before. I don’t deserve this life…

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