Today I wake another year older. My only thought as I opened my eyes was that today, many years ago, a woman gave birth and most likely cried in sorrow and said what have I done. She and I have never had a bond so I can only imagine that today wasn't a day she found joy in. Which makes it very difficult to find joy in this day myself.
I try so hard to overcompensate and make my kids and my husbands birthdays a day to celebrate and I have this small part of me that hopes each year one of them will reciprocate. I put up banners and leave notes for when they wake, trying to start the day off with a smile. Something you should do on your birthday. I wake to nothing.. I got a happy birthday and love you before he left for work, my kids most likely won't remember. And I won't tell them. See, if it was me, I would have told the kids yesterday to make him a card, actually i would have bugged them all weekend to do that. And I would have reminded them and made sure there were special little things around. Yes, I am thinking like a girl. And I'm expecting 3 males in my house to think likewise. And I don't expect much most days so is it really too much to expect a little more a few days a year? I guess it is. I'm trying so hard not to be this way. I don't know how to change myself when it comes to these small expectations. I feel like I've compromised with SO MANY other things in my life, given up so much already. Do I really have to abandon this too? I'm just so sad. I can't seem to shake it. As I read back on this I feel like it's very selfish. And I'm not that kind of person. I would hope that most people would describe me as selfless. So off I go, to put on the mask, and leave this girl in the computer.