Today I wake another year older. My only thought as I opened my eyes was that today, many years ago, a woman gave birth and most likely cried in sorrow and said what have I done. She and I have never had a bond so I can only imagine that today wasn't a day she found joy in. Which makes it very difficult to find joy in this day myself.

I try so hard to overcompensate and make my kids and my husbands birthdays a day to celebrate and I have this small part of me that hopes each year one of them will reciprocate. I put up banners and leave notes for when they wake, trying to start the day off with a smile. Something you should do on your birthday. I wake to nothing.. I got a happy birthday and love you before he left for work, my kids most likely won't remember. And I won't tell them. See, if it was me, I would have told the kids yesterday to make him a card, actually i would have bugged them all weekend to do that. And I would have reminded them and made sure there were special little things around. Yes, I am thinking like a girl. And I'm expecting 3 males in my house to think likewise. And I don't expect much most days so is it really too much to expect a little more a few days a year? I guess it is. I'm trying so hard not to be this way. I don't know how to change myself when it comes to these small expectations. I feel like I've compromised with SO MANY other things in my life, given up so much already. Do I really have to abandon this too? I'm just so sad. I can't seem to shake it. As I read back on this I feel like it's very selfish. And I'm not that kind of person. I would hope that most people would describe me as selfless. So off I go, to put on the mask, and leave this girl in the computer.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 6 years ago

    I have read over and over again that we have to educatee the males in the family about those things that are the nearest and dearest to us. It is very hard for us to visualize how our special time cause them a lot of anxiety because they know somethin is expected, but not necessarily what, how, and why.  Womens' dreams are not mens' dreams, so we need to gently educate each other..

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  2. Tryingtochange 6 years ago

    thank you both. I appreciate it. 

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