As the day comes to a close and my brother leaves to go back to his apartment, I am reminded of how much he has grown up and how much I am…well behind. I know part of this is holiday blues but they seem to get worse every year. Ever since 2009, I have managed to stay out of the hospital, until October that is. My parents are struggling to pay that bill…and others. I wish I felt strong to where I could work and get behind the damn wheel and learn to drive. But alas, fear consumes me.
I keep having the negative thoughts about ending my life and how much more cost effective that would be. I know that is twisted but I feel I'd be so much better off dead. My family could stop worrying when is it going to finally happen or whatever.
I talked with two of my cousins today. My younger cousin, L, manages to deal with her depression without medications. L and her brother seem so close…I envy that. I often wonder if my brother gives a damn about me. I never seem to get him the right thing for his birthday or Christmas so I tried a picture frame with his dog…never could tell if he gave a damn…I feel like the massage ticket (or whatever) was because he had to. He gave my mom the same thing but I feel there was an obligation in it.He managed to get ourdad a beautiful 12 string guitar and I felt like a third wheel when he gave our parents their gifts. I feel so pathetic, I either fear something or have no motivation to attempt it. What good am I? What could I possibly contribute to this family?Surely I'd be better off…not here…