I was trying to figure out why I'm so grumpy today. I put it down to being mad at myself for having been in bed (sleeping or watching shows) for 16 hours. But then I realized that it's so much more than that. I am feeling like everything is out of my control. The things that happen, the ways other people act — I accept that these things are out of my control. But the things that my body is telling me to do, and the things that I do, seem completely out of my control. And mostly it's just aggravating because often it means that the things my brain wants me to do aren't being listened to, but now that I realize how completely lacking in self control I have been lately, it's a little bit scary.
None of it is crazy or anything. It's just my inability to put down the chocolate, even when I really don't even want to eat it anymore. My inability to get up to go to my exercise class even though: part of me wants to, I know it'll feel good, it's already been paid for, it's 3 minutes down the road, I only have to stay for as long as I want, and I can even go back to sleep afterwards if I want. My inability to focus on my homework even though: it's really interesting stuff, I have deadlines, I try to put myself in work-conducive environments.
And then on top of that I'm obviously not in control of the pain and the tiredness and the grumpiness and the mood-swingy-ness.
And I just feel like I'm on my way to losing it all again like I did in November when I gave up trying to do anything and just gave in to the gravitational pulls of the cozy blankets and the distracting netflix and stopped trying to get myself to do anything. And I came back out of that, and was feeling like a successful person. And now I feel myself slipping and I don't know if I can catch hold of something and come back out of it before I fall all the way down… (which I especially can't afford to do because I didn't do much work then and if I don't do much work now then I'm not going to graduate…)