I have to double-tap every door I go through, even when someone holds it. I have to travel on an elevator an even amount of times, and use a vending machine an even amount of times. I have to do exercises an even amount of reps with an even amount of sets. I have to listen to music twice, sometimes four times depending on the artist/song. Sometimes over a period of days as well. Sleep is a good buffer, I guess. I don't know how to describe it.

I have to peel an even amount of bananas, and cook ramen and quesadillas and boxed mac and cheese and pancakes and grilled cheese an even amount of times

I have to start two new shows or books at a time.

Pretty much everything I do on a computer has to be done twice, or an even amount of times. Deleting things, posting things, opening things, closing things,how many times I hit a number key (same on my phone). Everyone on a computer twice. Including all websites. Of course I somehow ended up working with computers daily.

I have to hit light switches twice, I have to put the car in park twice. Most buttons in my car need to be hit twice, but I've gotten it down to most of the non essential ones.

Things in the shower need to be kept in order, and I need to wash in the right order. Same with teeth, I have to brush the same way every time. I have to shave twice also.

Everything that gets ripped or torn needs to be done an even amount of times. Like ripping paper of any kind, or cutting vegetables.

I can't leave my nails alone. When I had braces, I couldn't leave those alone either. I tapped them a lot. Now that I'm bracesless, I twist my peircings a lot.

I have to write or draw on an even number pieces of paper.

I'm good at hiding my compulsions around other people.

I haven't entirely pinpointed my obsessions yet, they started off being terrified of mutilation, and the lives and safety of others. Now I don't know why I keep everything up, just the dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach when I don't do it.

I have bad thoughts, they're not usually about others. Sometimes, if I'm mad enough, they will be. Mostly on a day to day basis they're about myself. I have a lot of mood swings, recently I've been in a depressive rut. I'm still getting used to living in the south and I don't really like it. I'm from cold, with no people. I'm incredibly homesick, but there's nothing for me at home, just sitting around for hours wasting away, or at least being by myself all too much. Sometimes people here are interesting. Mostly, they're not quite as. When you deal with negative temperatures on a regular basis, and sit inside a lot with your friends, you begin to make everything a joke. Conversations are riddled with jokes. There's no solid point you're trying to make, no one is right or wrong. Maybe it's having an incredibly political boyfriend, but I'm just not interested in what people have to say anymore. It's politics, it's facts, it's opinions, and none of it is funny or thought provoking. No one gets most of my jokes anymore, either it goes right over their head or they assume I'm stupid (I was making a narnia joke, taking a closet and figuring out a local comparison to narnia, and someone made sure I knew narnia wasn't real. Really?). Not as many people listen to what I have to say, they interrupt me before I can get to a point I'm trying to make. No one wants to listen, everyone just wants to talk. Sometimes I just stop talking to see if people notice. Normally, no one does. It's okay, I've been self medicating long enough so that I don't have anything new to say anyway. I just miss home, and my friends, and laughing. I used to cry whenever I laughed, it was one of my characteristics that everyone knew and made fun of me for. In the past four years, I've cried while laughing maybe three or four times. It's no longer a defining characteristic of myself, and I miss it.

I'm not sure how selfish I'm being. I've never been terribly good at genuine empathy, but I know when people want me to care, and I care a whole lot for their sake. I'm down to listen to people rant and rave if they want me to, I'm just not good at picking up when they're in the ranting and raving mood until they begin.I always assume I'm being incredibly selfish, so either I won't be surprised when I realize I am, or I'll actively work against being selfish so I can't be.

It bugs me when people mention OCD like it's just someone being incredibly anal. Like they need to have things stacked nicely because they're "OCD like that". I would like to spread awareness, but I don't know how. My boyfriend says stuff like that all the time, he can never remember that it hurts my feelings. One time he spent forever being stupid at folding up a map, so I told him to fold it up however and let's go. He asked me why I wasn't the one freaking out about it, because I was the one with OCD. I folded up the map and stopped talking to him until I calmed down enough to be more of an adult about the whole situation. Naturally, stopping talking to anyone is very childish, so my boyfriend got all mad at me despite the fact that I could've just started yelling stuff at him. He also didn't get that when I tried to explain it. People confuse me like that. I'll try to be nicer by leaving notes or waiting a bit to sort my feelings and talk about it, but apparently that's passive aggressive, which is somehow worse than regular aggressive. Whenever I get regular aggressive, people get mad at me too. Apparently, I'm not allowed to have negative emotions.

All these people picking up anxiety and depressive disorders also bug me. If it's for real, it's okay, but I know so many people who would benefit from a schedule or a diet change, and they don't want to change any part of their life so they begin taking medication for it. Being stressed out isn't generalized anxiety disorder. It can cause it, for sure, but it isn't it. I've been eating well for my whole life, and exercising regularly almost every single day. Making schedules and to do lists, and I still need help from someone. At least so I can stop focusing on all the negative things going on around me, I could live with the compulsions if I could focus on the positive, I think. I'm trying to do that. It's very difficult.

Anyway, I'm unloading a lot. I'm kind of down right now. I look forward to being on this site and getting in contact with other people, to figure out how they're doing. Thank you.

1 Comment
  1. buffster 7 years ago

    Welcome to the wild wonderful world of the chronic obsessive-compulsive..it makes no sense to anyone but us & even then it's kind of senseless..in any case welcome to the site & hope you find some solace in our solidarity in here..

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