I want to scream.

I've been pulling out my hair piece by piece the past couple days. I don't know why I'm doing it, besides it distracts me and makes me feel a little better. Okay, gotta stop that…don't want to lose my hair.

I wish I could just go and do something. Just be like eh screw it, today I'm going to go to the store. Oh, I should probably work on making my way to the living room comfortably first. Yesterday my mom and husband were trying to figure out something to do for dinner and asked me to come in there. I stood by my bedroom door the whole time. They were like come sit down! "No thanks." Your environment freaks me out and I feel semi-safe by my door. They wouldn't get it if I tried to explain because I don't even fully get it.

Yeah I'm just really self-hating lately. Ugh, I can't even stand being around myself. OH. I did something really weird today which makes me think I'm even more crazy than I let on. I walked out of my room this morning and my door went "creeeeeaaak" and then let the dog and the balcony and it went "creaaaaaak". So I was like hmm I'll spray them with vegetable oil spray to make them stop squeaking. Yay, success, no more squeaking! Then I sat there and was pretty upset about doing it because I changed something that I was used to for quite some time. My doors don't squeak anymore and I'm upset and uncomfortable about it. Like…wtf??

I think that if I DID do things, like going outside, stores, public, living room, etc. even with the anxiety and sitting with it…if something DID go wrong then it would be the end of me. All hope would be gone. So if I have that hope to hang on to, even though I can barely grab onto it, I'll keep it. But that means my world = my bedroom. I can't do it, if something happened…goodbye me. So my world might not be much, it might just be my bedroom, but I'm alive.

2 Comments
  1. Reamber 10 years ago

    Just remember: You are safe in your house. That is your area. There is nothing that can possibly hurt you in your living room. There is a nice, comfy couch and a t.v. to watch, so why not make your way into the kitchen, fix up a bowl of popcorn, and watch a movie outside of your room? (Put lots of butter in the popcorn, it tastes better that way :))Nobody will judge you, nobody will hurt you. You have Dakoda to protect you! And you have yourself. You are a piece of art, my friend. Remember, a piece of art that is not quite finished cannot ever be fairly judged. So what if people judge you unfairly? Then it is their fault, their flaw. Not yours. If it helps, turn on all of the lights in your house. You may feel a bit safer going down to the living room. Be brave, Jen! I know you can get through it!

    And whatever you do, do not pull out your beautiful hair.

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  2. irvineguy 10 years ago

    There is something I read the other day that was true about myself, and others on this site. SOG = set obtainable goals. Do that for yourself if you have not done so already. Change one thing about yourself or your environment each day until 365 days have past. Before you know it, you\'ll be 1 year done the road and a new and better you. New, meaning you can see and be changed; better, because you are no longer holding onto things as much as you need too. I have my \”things\” that I hold onto for reasons only we could explain so don\'t give those up but do attempt to change the things around you that do not really matter. Train yourself and you\'ll see the differences in you.

    BTW, from us \”anxious\” folks to some of the most courageous people to expose themselves in harsh environments, their philosophy can be based upon the SOG definition. I just heard about it a few days ago but have been doing it on my own for quite sometime now. I took small steps but am glad to move forward. I do have small setbacks but those can be good reminders to take it easy on myself and to remember that being humble is key.

    Good luck, oh, and the hair thing I do once it a while. It feels relaxing in some weird way so I\'ve resorted to biting my nails, which sucks but hopefully I can get over that, though I\'ve been doing it for years… ;o)

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