I want to scream.
I've been pulling out my hair piece by piece the past couple days. I don't know why I'm doing it, besides it distracts me and makes me feel a little better. Okay, gotta stop that…don't want to lose my hair.
I wish I could just go and do something. Just be like eh screw it, today I'm going to go to the store. Oh, I should probably work on making my way to the living room comfortably first. Yesterday my mom and husband were trying to figure out something to do for dinner and asked me to come in there. I stood by my bedroom door the whole time. They were like come sit down! "No thanks." Your environment freaks me out and I feel semi-safe by my door. They wouldn't get it if I tried to explain because I don't even fully get it.
Yeah I'm just really self-hating lately. Ugh, I can't even stand being around myself. OH. I did something really weird today which makes me think I'm even more crazy than I let on. I walked out of my room this morning and my door went "creeeeeaaak" and then let the dog and the balcony and it went "creaaaaaak". So I was like hmm I'll spray them with vegetable oil spray to make them stop squeaking. Yay, success, no more squeaking! Then I sat there and was pretty upset about doing it because I changed something that I was used to for quite some time. My doors don't squeak anymore and I'm upset and uncomfortable about it. Like…wtf??
I think that if I DID do things, like going outside, stores, public, living room, etc. even with the anxiety and sitting with it…if something DID go wrong then it would be the end of me. All hope would be gone. So if I have that hope to hang on to, even though I can barely grab onto it, I'll keep it. But that means my world = my bedroom. I can't do it, if something happened…goodbye me. So my world might not be much, it might just be my bedroom, but I'm alive.