Dear all my friends, I want to say something to every one of you. I am not sure what will I do after I write this weird thing. But I know for sure it\'s something I need to tell you, respectively. It\'s a shame if I let it slip away before I drift apart from the froth of the world that I had created for myself and have been struggling till the very hour when I am writing here to live to function. For some reason I would not like to babble too much at the beginning part, figuring, I have much more important things following. I hope each of you like what I am going to write below.

-Stevo, I have never loved anyone before like I love you now. My love for you is of all my heart. Since the very moment when I asked that huge favor from you to not let me fall for you, I could tell it was not the feeling that I could resist, as what you said to me. But maybe you were right, falling in love with someone so far away from you might only hurt you deepest ever, while for me it might be, or maybe, the harshest hurt ever that I could not take at all.

Anxiety is a living hell. I hate to dealing with it when I fall into the pit wrestling not the roo but some aggressive gross evil damned thing. I wish I never had. have, am, will do anything that might be harmful to you because I never would want to hurt you. I don\'t know what should I do.

But remember my sweetest Stevo, before I could tell for sure that I got absolutely blinded by love itself, I was damn sure that I wanted to do anything just to be close to you, although I am not sure of the possible outcomings. whereas I love you so very much that I would try my best to be with you with my heart with myself.

-Christine, Only you have the priority to be here right after my love of life. It is definitely a pride of me to proclaim to anyone that we have always been the best friends for almost 17 years. I am very frustrated by the fact that you are going to the states. Sometimes I keep wondering what life will be like if I lose you. But I should never have told you about my concerns, for I wish you would have a brightly brilliant and blissful life over there. You will be always in my heart. All my happy memories start from the time when we were together. Do I get to visit you when you are in the States? Do we get to build up that sweet cabin that we dreamt of when we were in grade 6? Do we get to practise running together someday? Do we get to go to Russian on a trip someday? I love you Christine.

-AnLinn, You have been trying to help me a lot. But all that I am doing is to let you down. You are so cheerful and smart and caring. I could not bear watching myself disappointing you. You will win all that you want from anything. You deserve the best of everything.

-Amanda, My lovely lion Mandy, I could say no more to you but it really hurts to know that we started to walk further and even further from each other straight out of highschool. But I remember all we had been sharing at that time. The golden time as well as the lamest years. You were the only one who understood me and supported me. But as they say, you had to move on while I had tried to resist but, so did I.

-Ed, I am sorry if I had ever brought any trouble to you and your girlfriend Elaine. I hope I had been helpful to you. Or I would rather say, useful to you. I am very glad that I could help even if a single shred in your life. Thanks for all that you have done for me and Kirk. If I ever had a chance to leave here, I will give you something that I failed to guarantee to you earlier. Wish you happy with Elaine.

-Kurt, Whenever I hear you laugh I can\'t help but laughing with you, till someday you did not laugh like that from your heart, and before someday I detected that neither could I present myself a false picturesque of happiness.

-Jeffery, Sorry Jeffie if I have not been around much lately. You are the most awesome chef I know, although I have to admit I do not know many chefs. You did a great a lot to me but I am not currently able to pay you back. You were the only person I could resort to when I got trapped in the desperation related to Ahmed. I know you hate it when I mention his name but, when I think of you this name still pops up in my head for some reason. Maybe it is because I am even more sorry for the fact that I had not been around when I was with him. Hopefully everything will go right with your family Jeffie, and all the best to Nathan. He is really a cute little boy. I can tell that from his picture.

-Fiona, I gave up contacting you. But I shall never forget you. I so wish I could have said something to you that afternoon I saw you walking by the corridor. I thought you might be the only person that I could tell you about my worries after I knew from our classmates something about you about 1 year later. I am sorry Fiona, I wish I could help you. I wish I didn\'t change my phone I wish I didn\'t change my phone number. I wish I could take you out for a walk with me in whatever park on whatever street. I wish you are okay by now.

-Bob, I never know what the life is like by Mississippi. But I am pretty sure my imagine lizards are living a relaxed life with you, even if you scheme to lounge them on a big lemon to watch them scrunch up their faces and tails. I appreciate your sense of humor even if you claim to be not very talkactive sometimes when you feel down. We would be able to have more fun if I could get over what I am suffering from now.

-Hitoshura, I don\'t even know your name by far. But that night in chat, I just could not leave you there talking without anyone listening. Thanks very much for your comment/msgs every now and then. It\'s warm to know you don\'t forget me, or not yet. I mean everything I said to you, even if you might just take them as worthless helpless comforting speeches. But you have to believe in yourself, you are a good person and your pain will not last long. Trust me on this. You will get better.

-Sharon, I apologize for the gaps when I am not of much words to reply to your sweet msgs. You have been trying to cheer me up but I keep failing every time. I promised that I would write you back a letter on AT but till today I could not manage to get it done. Sorry for that Sharon. I hope you are doing all the best and the same to your dogs. It\'s good to know there is someone there that cares about me, as you told me the other day when I need to talk. Thank you very much Sharon. This time I do not mess it up with calling you Sarah.

-JP and jpm, Sorry for you guys. I really like to see your msgs but when I don\'t feel well I just couldnt write back, esp for the voice comment, JP. And jpm, try not to stress yourself out when at work ok? I know nightshift sucks but my work sucks at times too. But you do much better than I.

-Andy, Whenever you need to talk  just drop me a shout. Do not worry too much. And element fresh is great. So I am sure you and Scott will do a great job with it.

-Leigh, I am not sure what to say to you. I still have no damn idea why you cut me off like that. But it was like 3 weeks later I found that you still get on msn cuz you changed something on your profile. You are a great guitarist and you are far better than you think yourself are. As I said a couple of months ago on your profile. I do have faith for you. I still have Leigh. And I wish you and Sarah a lovely future, if not together then, lovely futures for both of you.

My dearest all that are mentioned above, you mean so much to me. I truly wish you get what is best for you.


1 Comment
  1. keeppushing6179 12 years ago

    I hope that is not what it looks like. Never chatted with you kim but I can understand how you might be fed up but its not bad all 365 days of the year all the time. Try to find the good times and dont think you cant have a future with anxiety. just try to manage the lows with the highs. I hope you were just venting

    0 kudos

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