I wish I could rid myself of my elusive behavior. When I'm happy I don't want to be. It's like I'm searching for something, and I just want to be sad. I thought I wanted to be happy… but If I really wanted to be happy then why do I keep doing the things that make me miserable on the inside? I think I need to be better, but I want to be exactly what everyone else wants to be. I'm torn between my need and my desire. And when I get what I want I'm blissfully sinking my head below allowing myself to give in completely, until I realize that I'm drowning. When I get what I need… well if I actually ever do get what I need; see that's what's so difficult about getting what you need, because you have to work to get what you need, and the journey is always painful. I like to think that I'm on that journey, cause that's the only way I can explain all the pain I've been through- though it should be noted that most, if not all, of the pain I've been through has been self applied. I feel like there must be a reason for all of this. It doesn't seem like that most of the time, but why else would it be so hard. I've had so many revelations and I'm so humbled (even though I hate that word, it's the only one I can think of to describe the way I feel). How was I to know that the world really didn't revolve around me? Once you figure that out you're set. Well maybe not, cause when I figured that out I was depressed for years. But I guess once you accept it and actually learn from it then you're set. That's a huge step and I think a lot of people don't ever take it. That's their own loss, cause they're the ones that'll never be truly happy. Or so my theory states. I am on a journey to find happiness… Poor me, why couldn't it have just fallen on my lap like it seems to do to everyone around me 🙁

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