I feel drained.  Like someone stole all my energy…  And I have not done many rituals lately.  I just feel tired.  Really really tired.  I did however do a few counting ones and a few floor mat ones.  I stopped myself from doing it once and startedto freak out a little bit.  But I didn't give in.  That's when the I don't care, whatver, entered my head. 

So yeah…  Work was Mk.  I did not want to go.  I lazied around until 6pm then took a shower.  Didn't get to work until 7:30.  I just couldn't get off the couch.  I kept telling myself get up and go get ready.  And I would answer in my head, in a little bit, this feels good.  leave me alone.  Just laying here doing nothing.  All stretch out under a blanket.  leave me alone stupid thoughts.  Then I looked at the stupid clock and made myself get up.  It took every ounce of energy I had to get up.  Which wasn't much.  The shower felt good.  The water on my skin.  Then I mustered up enough energy to get dressed.  I wanted to just lay back down and do nothing.  But I knew I couldn't…  Because i had to go to stupid work… 

Then I got to work and I didn't feel like working…  i was hopeing it would just clean itself.  But I knew that wasn't going to happen.  I didn't start until about 8:30.  Then I forgot where I put my keys and had to retrace my steps.  Then it just felt like I was doing things, like mmm whatever.

Now I am going to go to bed.  That sounds nice.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    I'd have a good physical and my medications checked for strenth and appropriateness,

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  2. xray81 12 years ago

    See that's the thing…  I don't think I am depressd.  I mean I know depression and being tired go hand and hand but it was like I was just enjoying not doing anything so much, I so felt comfortable, so relaxed, that I didn't want the moment to leave me.  I haven't felt like that in, well, never! 

    And now I am up after sleeping eight hours and when I woke up, I just laid in the bed for a few, thinking wow I feel really good, this feels really good, I don't want to get up because it feels so good.  But I feel so stupid.  Then the dog jumpped on the bed and I played with her for a few, then I got up.  And now I am tired but I'm not at the same time.  And I keep telling myself to do things.  Like I am reading a book in my head.  And for some reason I feel so stupid.  But I know I am smart…  Fuck if I know!  I think maybe I'm going crazy but I know I am not.

    But thank you for all of you input!  😀  Keep it coming!

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