Gonna try and write a blog, one more time….  *sigh  This is really becoming an annoyance:  type in what’s on my mind/heart, either have to leave for some reason–generally due to partner’s insistence, or before i completely finish, i wind up accidentally erasing it!  uuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

So….here i go, again.

i still kept going, yesterday, no matter how frustrated i became.  i went to therapy and my therapist even asked me some questions, which are keeping my mind busier.  i believe she’s got a huge point.  What is my breaking point?  When is enough enough?  When do i truly put my foot down and draw an unbreakable line?  Do i find chaos to be my norm?  i know i don’t enjoy chaos, and i definitely don’t desire drama, but is it probable that chaos has become like an ordinary day-to-day occurrence? Honestly, i hope not.  i feel like i really don’t have the energy to even get through daily routines.  And, i also feel constantly disappointed.  i’m really overspent–financially and physically.  *sigh  i’ve been with my partner for over a year, now, and today’s the first time he has even referred to my ‘disabilities.’  Normally, he treats me as if i can do this or that, but simply choose not to, since it’s what he wants.  Really????  Am i that shallow?  —No.  i’m not.  The majority of the time, i try to push forward, even when it takes toooooo much out of me, and i really overdo it.  Sometimes, though, like this morning, i really feel like blah–i wish i never got out of bed!  i know, no matter what, i’d still get out of bed–even if it was just to go to the bathroom and get some coffee–but, i’d be working on my time…..  *sigh  Nope, not how it is in my world, for now.  i know this.  Is it OK?  i dunno…..  Could it be so simple that i’ve grown exhausted from years of chaos and the overall “fight to survive,” that i just go with it?  Is that kind of behavior all that wrong?  —again, i dunno.  All i know is you can’t get blood from a turnip.  It is what it is.  i work with what i have–i can’t do more than that.  Maybe it’ll get better.  But, should it not, ……?????????

i have gotten ‘better,’ regarding the loss of Shelby.  i mean, i’m not crying every single day, and i don’t constantly bring her up, all the time.  At the same time, the guilt for not being that way tends to sneak in, too.  What am i supposed to do then?  All i want to do is beat myself ragged and just NOT be….