Gonna try and write a blog, one more time…. *sigh This is really becoming an annoyance: type in what’s on my mind/heart, either have to leave for some reason–generally due to partner’s insistence, or before i completely finish, i wind up accidentally erasing it! uuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!
So….here i go, again.
i still kept going, yesterday, no matter how frustrated i became. i went to therapy and my therapist even asked me some questions, which are keeping my mind busier. i believe she’s got a huge point. What is my breaking point? When is enough enough? When do i truly put my foot down and draw an unbreakable line? Do i find chaos to be my norm? i know i don’t enjoy chaos, and i definitely don’t desire drama, but is it probable that chaos has become like an ordinary day-to-day occurrence? Honestly, i hope not. i feel like i really don’t have the energy to even get through daily routines. And, i also feel constantly disappointed. i’m really overspent–financially and physically. *sigh i’ve been with my partner for over a year, now, and today’s the first time he has even referred to my ‘disabilities.’ Normally, he treats me as if i can do this or that, but simply choose not to, since it’s what he wants. Really???? Am i that shallow? —No. i’m not. The majority of the time, i try to push forward, even when it takes toooooo much out of me, and i really overdo it. Sometimes, though, like this morning, i really feel like blah–i wish i never got out of bed! i know, no matter what, i’d still get out of bed–even if it was just to go to the bathroom and get some coffee–but, i’d be working on my time….. *sigh Nope, not how it is in my world, for now. i know this. Is it OK? i dunno….. Could it be so simple that i’ve grown exhausted from years of chaos and the overall “fight to survive,” that i just go with it? Is that kind of behavior all that wrong? —again, i dunno. All i know is you can’t get blood from a turnip. It is what it is. i work with what i have–i can’t do more than that. Maybe it’ll get better. But, should it not, ……?????????
i have gotten ‘better,’ regarding the loss of Shelby. i mean, i’m not crying every single day, and i don’t constantly bring her up, all the time. At the same time, the guilt for not being that way tends to sneak in, too. What am i supposed to do then? All i want to do is beat myself ragged and just NOT be….