Failed math class. It's funny how my test scores for entrance exams, etc., are always so high, but I didn't pass. I just don't understand equations full of fractions with exponents with variables and no numbers. x squared plus five x divided by 2xy squared all over 2x plus five b. Sorry, I just don't get it. I am an application based learner. There is a reason why I can figure out percentages and conversions so easily…I USE them! Thankfully I have very high scores on my exams I take regarding how I comprehend mathematics, so I'm not too afraid. I just don't like failing.

Also got in an accident today. Last month a lady hit me when I was at a dead stop, and hit me HARD. Well, today a guy decided not to tie a tire on his truck correctly and I ran right over it. I had a choice to do that, go into oncoming traffic, or go into a ditch. My decision caused me to almost flip over I think. I felt the car lift. A horrendous scent came from the vehicle and I paniced and drove quickly to get to a phone to call my Mom. No idea who the guy was, hopefully he calls the police for his error. I didn't want to get people hurt so I did what I had to do. I'm really second guessing what I did, and obsessing over it. I feel like I should have done something different. Oddly enough, I was wearing the same tie I wore during that prior accident. Lovely. It seems like the accident has changed my thought process, though. I just start obsessing over new things. I'm just thinking now how I could have died and how I wouldn't have lived to my full potential. I won't dwell on it, but I'm still freaked out.

Seems like lately I've been on edge with everyone. Just flipping out. Ignoring people. Doing nothing. I think I'm in a depressive state right now, although it's not as bad as I've had them before. In the past I've stayed in my house and never left, spoke to no one. Two years ago was my worst. Only one person I believe heard from me for about three months. Some people thought I died. Many just forgot I existed. I didn't even play music at all during that time, and barely listened, either. I was better off dead as I was a waste of space, doing NOTHING. I hope I don't get to that again, but that was before I was getting treated.

I've been praying a lot, too. I met someone that inspired me to do so. I may not believe fully what she does, but I think it makes it easier for me to believe, or hope, that there is something bigger than myself. Bigger than us all. But, I don't know. I just know I need all of the support I can get so I can be the person I want to be. It's hard for me to be who I want to be a lot because it takes up so much energy and emotion, but I wouldn't EVER want to be a different person. I've been called many things, but in my heart I know that I am true to myself. I have been in many lives for short periods of times, but I'd like to believe I influenced them all in a good way, even if at the time it didn't seem like I was good or had a purpose.

I'm still lonely. Very lonely. I manage to be alright, though, by writing and singing and doing whatever else. There are times I'll stand and stare in a mirror for half-an-hour just tying random tie knots, trying to get what I find to be perfect. Even shaving is therapeutic to me. It sounds stupid, but it requires focus. If I can focus, it makes life easier for me. When I have nothing to focus on, nothing to care about, I simply become my own Pandora's box.

Well, I have nothing more to say. Just a bad day I guess. Tomorrow will be better. School vacation is starting, I know my Mom and Dad got me a velvet suit for Christmas (I picked it out), and I'm just going to have time to be me and enjoy the season and everything else. Fall and Winter seems to bring me the most sickness and depression. Luckily it's halfway over, and so far it hasn't been the living Hell I've known it to be.