Obviously, I haven’t offed myself, yet…  I’m beginning to feel like the Bipolar who cried "WOLF," or "suicide," or whatever…  soon those bullies who start daring the chronically suicidal to go through with it will probably show up, and then I’ll really be in trouble.  I suppose wanting to kill myself is a symptom of my disorder, so, I should just be pleased that I am managing to avoid the actual doing of the thing.  But, that’s how I generally how I feel about such things.  I have never understood people who get frustrated with people for being suicidal.  It reminds me of the people in N.A. who would get mad at someone for going back out, and fucking up.  I could make sense of madness, heartbreak…  even disappointment, but anger seems childish.  Do you get angry at someone with diabetes for going into a diabetic coma?  People with heart disease and some cancers created their own problems, same as any junkie, drunk, or sef harmer – but, we don’t fault them for their suffering, like they somehow deserve it.  I feel sorry for the people who are still shooting up.  I know I never have to do that again.  Whatever else happens, I never have to live that way…  anyone who doesn’t have that…  just has my compassion.  They’ve done nothing to warrant my anger.  Sure, if someone steals or othewise screws you over, that’s a little different, but consider my girl Maria.  She owes me around thirty bucks that I really could use at the moment, but knowing she’s in a jam, I don’t care about the money.  Not in the least…  I wish she would call.  Left her a new message today…  hopefully, she’ll REALLY listen to it, instead of just playing it back. Saw the shrink today… he was helpful on the script end, and another increase in the Lamictal might help with the crippling depression, but he asked questions I wasn’t ready to answer.  Stirred my head up in a bad way… 

Feeling frightened, right now…

I could not tell him about the suicidal thoughts.  I can’t get locked away – that shit makes me crazier than anything.