Let me introduce myself, I am a 21 year-old female and I've known I've had OCD for 11 years, but I guarantee I've had it for longer.

Since my family doesn't believe in psychological disorders, and I can't afford any sort of therapy or medication by myself, I live with it.  12+ hours a day I dedicate to nonsensical rituals and compulsions.  If I don't, sheer panic sets in.  I'm sure you all know the feeling, If I don't P then Q, where Q is the absolute worst possible thing that can happen and it can only be prevented by P.

I've gotten really good at rationalizing out of most of my compulsions and obsessions, but every little victory and conquer I make gets diminished when my compulsions just seek another target.

Currently:

I suffer from obsessive violent thoughts – that I will never act upon
I knock on wood any time I have a bad thought to null and void it – an added bonus to the obsessive violent thoughts.
If there isn’t wood around I knock on my skull.
I pray hours upon hours a day – fun to try to hide that.
At midnight my entire world resets and I need to perform ‘the midnight rituals’.
If I hear sirens –  I live in a big city – I need to pray.
If I think it, I said it, and it needs to be knocked on wood to be countered.
Right side of anything must be the last side to touch everything.
Can’t make left turns, only right turns.  Thankfully this never shows up while driving. 
God good devil bad, over and over again.
Everything needs to be clean –say no to germs.
Scroll bars need to always be as far as they can go down before I go to a different page.
Gotta start writing numbers bottom up
The ‘’right’’ thing needs to go through my head before I can move on, sometimes I’ll sit and erase a word a couple dozen times before I can move on – this makes college HARD.
Have to check every room and closet and door at least once before I go to bed.
Can’t stand sticky stuff on my hands.
Number avoidance: 3, 6, and numbers that when added = 3 or 6, such as 15.
Still can’t stand when someone touches me and I don’t see it coming.
If saying a prayer, can’t have the noise on the computer or tv on.
There’s still things in my house I avoid, and need to sterilize before I touch.
Still have an aversion to odd numbers.

In the past:
I went over 2 years without touching a doorknob
I went quite a few years avoiding all the furniture in my parents house as a kid, it was contaminated
For a year or so, when I was real young, if a guy did so much as touch me I was magically pregnant.
Washed my hands until they bled.
Could NOT walk outside barefoot.

And that's all that I can remember at the moment.  Some days it's so bad I can't function.  If I continue to go without treatment I'll probably end up like Howard Hughs.

2 Comments
  1. buffster 12 years ago

    \..anyone ever tell you you look like "Drew Barrymore"?? ha..welcome aboard & please know you’ve found safe harbor from the storm where nothing is too "weird" or "taboo" to be  mentioned & discussed..btw Cracker "Low" has been on my playlist from the beginning ha..great riffs..\

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  2. Wkumar 12 years ago

    I have experienced the same fears except that mine is about weight and my self image.  I have also experienced physical head aches because of my OCD.  I hope you are able to find help here.   

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