I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. Or make sense of what is going on.
I don't understand life, I can't deal with life.
I am stuck/addicted to my laptop, the internet. Because I am too afraid to face life.
I can't find peace within myself and I am always conflicted. I push everyone away. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Today I am not going to work…again. I have been fighting for so long, I am disapointed and ashamed ofmyself. But I don't have the energy to fight anymore. Because it seems like everytime I fight, things just get worse than they was. I think I am going to quit my job, there is no point in keep calling in sick when I know I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with responsabilities.
I am at a breakpoint. I thought the only reason I was dragging myself to work everyday was to get some money to live but still here I am broke with a chance to be homeless. All those years I fought in college against myself and with my mental and physical conditions…for what? It doesn't make any sense. Life has no reason. I don't enjoy nothing in life anymore but I am afraid to die too.
I have to call for help before this whole thing blows up, but I don't know who to call. I am even afraid to call in to work. What can I say this time? I don't have to quit i guess, they will probably fire me.
They won't even understand. Oh you're young you have a whole life before you, things will get better, so they say. I have been hearing that for more than 10 years, and I know some have been in the boat for more than that and have it worse. But does it really get better? I keep making the same mistakes, I can't get out of this black hole.