I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. Or make sense of what is going on.
I don't understand life, I can't deal with life.
I am stuck/addicted to my laptop, the internet. Because I am too afraid to face life.
I can't find peace within myself and I am always conflicted. I push everyone away. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Today I am not going to work…again. I have been fighting for so long, I am disapointed and ashamed ofmyself. But I don't have the energy to fight anymore. Because it seems like everytime I fight, things just get worse than they was. I think I am going to quit my job, there is no point in keep calling in sick when I know I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with responsabilities.

I am at a breakpoint. I thought the only reason I was dragging myself to work everyday was to get some money to live but still here I am broke with a chance to be homeless. All those years I fought in college against myself and with my mental and physical conditions…for what? It doesn't make any sense. Life has no reason. I don't enjoy nothing in life anymore but I am afraid to die too.

I have to call for help before this whole thing blows up, but I don't know who to call. I am even afraid to call in to work. What can I say this time? I don't have to quit i guess, they will probably fire me.
They won't even understand. Oh you're young you have a whole life before you, things will get better, so they say. I have been hearing that for more than 10 years, and I know some have been in the boat for more than that and have it worse. But does it really get better? I keep making the same mistakes, I can't get out of this black hole.

1 Comment
  1. Bigwolf 6 years ago

    You've got to find your reason to keep going forward….Your afraid to die because you know there's probally more to life then what you're experienced thus far…something better something worth living and fighting for. Don't give up. You can do it but these changes wont just happen you have to make them happen.

     

    -BigWolf

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    0 kudos

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