im exhausetd..its been a long couple of days..i hope someone reads this and can understand..1st of all, my neighbors 2 yo fell out the 3rd story window..he is ok, just scratches thank god, but i knew he was going to fall..he is always leaning against the screen..i just wish i would have been there to catch him..10 min later and i would have been there..then there has been some mega therapy..i needed money for the holidays cause i wanted to have a special christmas for my daughter since she is graduating this year..i have a problem with self injury in a strange way and that is, i let ppl who are into bdsm practice hitting me(no sex ever involved)..well this guy offered me 300 bucks for the holidays for a couple of sessions..i agreed..we only had one and i owe several more..i told my therapist about it..its the only attention that i am not only comfortable with but is familiar..i have long gotten past that i will never be loved or even hugged..now ppl scare me..im actually terrified of humans..animals will never let you down..mothers day is sunday..i dont have a mom and when i had foster moms, i tried my best to be “a good girl”..my 18 yo daughter, had 200.00 over the past week..spent it all on herself..not even a piece of construction paper to make me a card..for the past 4 years there has been no birthday, christmas, valantines, easter or mothers day thank yous or recognition..she knows how much it hurts but her friends come first..she comes first..not how i raised her..i am hurting so bad that i told the guy i would let him beat me tomorrow..at least its attention of some sorts..am i a sicko? has anyone else ever done anything like this?…both my doctors know about this and their advice is just “you dont deserve this” ppl dont deserve to go hungry, ppl deserve to have the best of everything..kinda a generic statement if you ask me..well im taking a break for a few days..for those who do have loved ones..hope your mothers day is wonderful and peaceful…be well:sad:

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