Today I have a fuckload of things to do. I have to take care of getting my meds called in…which here in Cali could prove to be a danting task. i\'ve been left hanging before. i got over charged on my debit card so i have to take care of that. i have therapy. then i have an anxiety/ocd class which i had to pay for in advance.

i\'ve been trying to get into a group for awhile now. groups aren\'t really my cup of apple juice but i know it\'s something i need to do to meet people here in cali, share with others, learn, and hopefully find new and better ways to cope with my serious issues. my therapist has helped alot and we thought we were getting me into a group, but it turns out that it\'s an 8 week course on anxiety and ocd. now i\'m not sayin that it won\'t help. but i was trying to get into a group. that and my therapist said that she woud try to take care of the cost somehow through a loophole or some shit. but i got a phone call from the place on Monday saying that they would need the money upfront(which i really can\'t spare), and that it wasn\'t a group but a class. i\'m still willing to give it a try(they said if i go for the first session and decide that it\'s not for me that i can get a refund….so i\'m going to go. i\'m nervous as hell. and another thing is that my worst issues right now are my depression and intrusive thoughts(ocd)….it\'s really fuckin bad. i mean the anxiety isn\'t good either but it\'s not what i need to be focusing on. idk…i\'m just scared shitless to go. i know i need to go to something kind of like this, but that dosen\'t stop the fact that i\'m terrified. and for real,i\'ve done so much work on anxiety, it feels somewhat useless to go to this when i need to be focusing on ocd and depression. i am getting very bad off. sometimes i think that people don\'t realize how bad. i didn\'t want to even pay the money for this, but i felt pressured by others, myself, and fate. i need to get my ass in gear, but it\'s kind of hard when i\'m so fucking depressed that i think of killing myself all of the time, have these terrible intrusive thought, can\'t sleep at night due to panic attacks from terrible nightmares, etc. i just hope that somehow it helps me. i know i have to try atleast. i feel pressured by my conscience to do that. but i\'m just really afraid to go.

FUCK…why do i have to have these damn intrusive thoughts? they\'re fucking killing me!