when did my depression start – as a kid, I guess.  My mom always said that I was a nervous child.  I keep seeing an image of something bad happening to me when I was a little girl.  Part of me wants to know the truth and part of me is afraid of the truth.  I don't know if I am  ready to accept the possibility of "that" happening to me. 

I recall a teacher in 5th grade making fun of how I talked (had a little problem that required me to be in speech therapy during school for several years).  I was deeply hurt that a teacher could do that to me in front of the class. 

I love my mom, but always was blamed for everything that happened.  I was blamed for not packing drinking cups when we went on vacation when I was around 10 years old – how was that my fault? 

As a teen, my room and music was my escape.  But my mom said it was b/c I was lazy and didn't want to do anything.  I was depressed and wanted to be by myself. 

I also watched my father battle cancer for many years.  He lost the battle when I was 16.  Loosing my father is something I still have not processed to this day.  A part of me feels that he is still at the hospital. 

Depression has always been a part of my life.  I use alcohol to cope, which is not the answer….but it helps me for now. 

I have very few friends because of the "wall" I have built around me.  My wall keeps me from getting hurt.  My goal is to have the wall so well constructed that nobody will get through it to hurt me.  As Travis Tritt says "10 feet tall and bullet proof".  I want to be hurt proof and numb……….