So, after obsessing and being completely in self will for who know's how long….. I'm in a better place emotionally and spritually. My situation hasn't changed but my attitude has, as has my perception. I lost perspective and was insane for a lil bit. I hate that. But apparently i need to go thru in order to get thru. Thats what I'm told at least. Everything happens for a reason….. I absolutely positively believe that. I don't know the reason things happen, and maybe I'm not supposed to know….. I just need to have faith that my hp has my best interest in mind in the long run.

I know for a fact from personal experience that *I* NEED to experience painful things in order to experience spritual and personal growth sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. I still need to touch the proverbial stove to see if it's hot even when i'm told, "dont touch it, its hot." That hardheaded stubborness about me is slowly changing and i guess thats why i'm sooooo very grateful that recovery is a process. If i had to get it right the first time, I'd be a miserable failure. However, i get a little stronger, a little wiser, a little more capable of handling the road ahead w/ each new adverse situation that is thrown my way…… or that i create…. because i am my own worst enemy. I can complicate the shit out of things, make anthills into Pike's Peak, and yes, self sabotage w/ the best of them. That is why i will always need my fellow addicts to me *my* eyes and ears and tell me when i'm full of shit when i, myself, cannnnnnnotttt see it for myself. 

I've been to a few mtgs and talked about my situation w/ my friend.  I kinda talked to my sponser a bit about it but damnit, if she's not too busy most of the time…grrr.  I see my therapist tomorrow and i'll talk somemore, b/c each time i talk about it, i get a little tiny bit more perspective and feel that much closer to deciding what to do. I cant alienate this person. I met her at an NA mtg. She's my best friend, she's absolutely brilliant, I love her,  and i'm the godmother to her baby. But at the same time we cant have the relationship we had.  Boundaries need to be set.  I just have to figure out exactly where to put the boundaries so i protect my recovery, the kids arent punished (b/c i've been the most stable adult in their lives for the past 2+years), and the friendship can remain….albeit w/ new boundaries.  I need to be consistent w/ those boundaries also. 

I also need to restructure my support network.  I need more ppl in my life w/ more clean time.  If i look back over the past 4+ years since i was introduced to NA and recovery…. i was my most happy and serene when the ppl i spent most my time w/ were ppl w/ substantial clean time and were actively working the steps. That seems like a no brainer but because of my own personal inablility to accept ONE person in my life…..i cut all of them out that associated w/ her….huge mistake on my part and my recovery hasnt been the same "quality" recovery since.  Self sabotage at it's finest.

So, that's where I'm at……on the never ending, never dull road to self discovery.  There's always a lesson to be learned if i look hard enough.



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