I’m afraid, right now.  Afraid of myself…  afraid of my worst inclinations…  afraid of how easily those impulses rise to the surface…  my dealer called once at 1am, while I was still talking to Ace.  He got me through that.  Then, dude called again, at 1:30am, after Ace had crashed for the night.  I was trying to crash, too, but I hadn’t dozed off, yet.  I wasn’t okay, emotionally, and I wasn’t feeling well, but I managed to hit "ignore," on the phone.  Charlie keeps putting it on me to decide, which is better than him willfully pulling me down, but it’s still selfish and weak.  He wants to do it, but he doesn’t want to be responsible.  I am so weak, right now.  I want to make it stop, but I know that isn’t an option, right now.  I gave my word, and that still means something.  If I don’t get high, it’ll continue to mean something.

And, I can’t let Ace down.  Not after everything he’s done for me.  Dear God…  this is so hard.  I don’t want to f@ck this up.  I won’t. 

I’m not strong.  I just give my best impression of strength when I have to, in order to get through.  It’s really an act – I have no strength.  If it weren’t for Ace…  I don’t know if I’d be high, or not, honestly.  I certainly wouldn’t be kicking.  I probably would’ve sent out those goodbyes I wrote.  And, then, I probably would’ve put enough H in my system to kill a couple ponies.  I still think, sometimes, that if I picked it up, again, that I might just make that the end f it.  I just wanna be done with this game, one way or another.

But, things aren’t that bleak…  they just feel that way, right now.  I have the lovely lady Bob, and I have Ace, and they understand.  I also have Jordan, who’s an amazing friend, who would do damn near anything for me. 

I just have to remember:  I am loved, and I am needed.  No matter what crazy thoughts or fears my brain manages to cough out at 2:30am…

So achy…

God, I want to make it stop.  But, I can’t.  Just have to ride it out, until the morning…  and, hope it isn’t any worse, then.