Sometimes, I think I’m getting better. And, then, I spend a little too much time alone with my f@cking thoughts. I’m not going to mess this up. God, I’m so redundant. All I talk about anymore is what I’M NOT going to do. Maybe, if I actively did more, it wouldn’t be so hard. But, that’ll come. I’ll be stronger soon, and I’ll feel like being more active.
All my local friends are either out of town or busy tonight. I feel like I should do something to show Jordan how much I appreciate him. He’s been feeling neglected, lately, I think, because I pay so much attention to the computer when he’s around. But, it’s not like I haven’t put up with him planting himself in my living room just to play his damn video games (on one of those damn hand held things) for hours on end. But, he has a been an incredible friend to me, and he’s been a saint in terms of helping me out, since my life went to shit, a while back. He’s been so patient and understanding. He knows he means the world to me. I just need to do something nice for him so he feels reminded of how much I appreciate him.
Still nothing from Quinn… I’m not sure when I stopped expecting to hear something. And, I’m even less sure of when that stopped ripping my heart out. For a while there, all I could think about was that I was losing my best friend, and my husband, and it all seemed so unbearable. Now, my husband’s sort of filling the role of best friend (buddy, companion), and Quinn’s just in the wind. We were tight for seven years, so, of course I still miss him, but his selfishness, and his willingness to just walk away from this mess, without looking back… I just don’t think I sholud give any more engery to the subject if I can avoid it. He’s chosen to disappear, so, that can just be how it is, for now. If he does come back, and want to be friends, at some point, I’ll figure it out then. Strangely, I do still sort of expect that to happen, at some point (maybe months from know – who knows?), but the more time that passes…
things are just going to be so different by the time I see him, again (assuming I do). Things are already so different.
I picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID a little bit ago – huge mistake. It was my dealer. Offerig me a fat deal if I want anything tonight. I couldn’t speak. I was quiet a second, and then I said, "I’ll let you know."
Not, "NO! You bastard, you’re done taking my f@cking money! I f@cking hate you!" No, instead, I say, "I’ll let you know."
What the f@ck is wrong with me?
Oh, that’s right, I’m a f@cking junkie.
I try not to slip into these thoughts. These self loathing, terrible thoughts… I try not to give up on myself. But, some moments, I don’t think I have it in me to keep this up, and I just want to let go, and let myself slide back down into the mess. I know how to survive there. It’s predictable. But, it’s not LIVING – it’s survival, and little else.
Ace forgot to make me promise today. But, it’s f@cking implied. No grabbing onto loopholes… I know he’s counting on me. He believes in me. That means so much – someone who wants me to make it, and is willing to stand by me, as much as he has to, to make sure that happens.
Charlie wants me to fuck up – he won’t say it, but he wants it in the worst way because he wants to get high, and he doesn’t want to be to blame for it all going wrong , again. He doesn’t want the guilt of trashing my progress. He just wants it to happen, so he can trash his. But, at least he’s been keeping his mouth shut. Man, I thought I handled that phone call badly. Charlie would’ve copped already if he’d gotten that call.
Do you know what it’s like to want something so much, and to not want it, at the same time? My want for it, and my desire to get out really seem to fluctuate in strength. Sometimes, it seems like a dead heat. Have to work on my f@cking play… have to be productive at some point… but I am a little afraid of my play, right now. I’m afraid of going near those drug themes when I’m so raw. I’ve gotta start working on shit early in the day, when I’m stronger, and my will to see this through is still at full strength.
Oh man… my stomach is starting to turn. I cannot handle having an episode of that tonight. My stomach problem is hell, when it kicks up. I can’t deal with that when I’m like this. That would be too much pain. I would definitely fuck it all up. I need to take a bunch of meds and drag my ass out of here. Get some air… get some food… get my f@cking head together.
Ace is playing cards tonight. I’ll talk to him when he gets home. That’ll help. He knows how to talk me out of this mode, and make me laugh, again. God, I don’t even know who I am, right now. Nothing makessense, and nothing is clear. I don’t know where anything’s headed, or what”s gonna happen to me. I don’t know what happened to my life, or why I did all these things to destroy myself. It wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always have random compulsions to rake sharp objects across my arms. I’ve managed to keep myself from going there, lately. But, I only stopped doing it, years back, because I promised Charlie, and that’s been feeling pretty empty, lately. I try not to, anyway, because I know it’s nuts. It’s not like it ever made sense – it was just something I couldn’t stop doing. And, now that I’m not high every night, I find myself thinking about it, again. Fixating, even, but only for fleeting moments…
