Hi to those who read this,

I resigned from my job last night. My managers responsed kindly and were very supportive of my gut wrenching decision to leave. I leave behind stability, motivation to go back to something, to work for something. Now I’m unemployed for the first time in a while.

I am a registered nurse, so jobs aren’t particularly hard to come by if you work Agency nursing. But a permanent job isn’t like buying candy. Where it’s readily available. I have just left a job where I worked with premature babies and keeping them safe and alive until they could go home to their parents. I gave it up because.. a) I was not fit to return due to my overwhelming anxiety going out into society and functioning like a normal human again b) would not be safe working with sick babies due to my inability to even take care of myself and c) I couldn’t keep taking time off Never knowing if I’d return.

So basically I now have no job. I am still depressed and anxious and nothing has improved that part of me. I suppose I haven’t buried myself into the depths of darkness this time around. I can see it for what it is. And it was decision I made knowing somehow it will lead me to something else. I don’t know what but everything has a reason to happen, bad or good.

It my fit of despair a few days ago, I started applying for a new job. I applied for three intensive care unit (ICU) positions and got a surprising 2/3 interviews.

i wonder if making the decision to apply when I’m unfit to work was such a great idea in the end. Perhaps it might be the fresh start that I need that might aide in my recovery? Give me a new lease on life? Doing something I’ve wanted to do for 4 years? I hope I get a job in the coming weeks. Especially in the ICU which has been a dream.

But is it a good idea to be returning to a high stress environment so soon? Am I pushing? Right now I’m not pushing .. I’m pushing further backwards and staying stagnant.

Its so frustrating crying randomly on days when you think you feel better. It’s hard just wanting to shut yourself off but you’re unable to.