Can't sleep it's 5 AM, going to a rave tonight, man what a mess I made of things.

I haven't blogged on here in a while because I've been too busy having my head up my own ass. It's kind of frustrating to see that I'm still making the same poor decisions again but it is what it is.

I decided to finally try to date again, but this is not going well. I'm not ready, I was worried about that and now it's confirmed. On the other hand my ex spoke with me again recently and told me she has a new boyfriend. I'm crushed, and hurt, and wish it could be me, but there's nothing I can do. She has her own life and I have mine, but I never got past her. I talked with her, and asked her why she picked him, rather than giving me a chance and she basically brushed me off and accounted it to be me cheating on her. I get it, I did that, it was horrible of me and selfish, but that was a year and a half ago by now, and I don't think I can do anything more than I have. I waited a year and a half, while she dated, and hoped she'd come back and I get it that I'm foolish to think so but I still love her.

Now the girl I'm going out with, I honestly feel bad for. She's a really sweet girl, nothing really wrong with her other than that she's a bit immature for her age, but she told me some things that happened to her to get her there so I can't fault her for that. I want to like her, it'd be easier, because then I wouldn't be obsessed with my ex. I'm thinking the obsession may go down now that she's moved on but knowing me I'm kind of scared that's not going to happen. In either case I'm going to a rave with her tonight, which should be fun assuming I take it positively but I think afterwards I kind of need to break it to her that "Hey look I like you but I'm not as ready to date as I thought I was." I guess at least we didn't sleep together so it's not like it got that serious yet. Still, I feel bad, it's not fair to lead someone on like that.

My therapist has been working with me on shame and guilt and coping with it and being self-compassionate. It's hard to be easy on yourself when the girl you love is gone because of your decisions, or you're hurting people because of your decisions or whatever. She also said it's important to take responsiblity for things you do wrong, and I'd like to think I did for at least what I did to my ex. I wasn't the best guy when I was with her and it took me a while to realize how important she was to me, and it's probably too late now.

I hope one day it all works out for me. Until then I guess I just need to be alone, that's going to be very hard for me but I'd rather just hurt myself than everyone else around me.


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