Another cold, wet day. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have no motivation to do anything, and thinking about sleeping makes me cry. It feels like such a waste of my life. But, let's face it, I feel like my life IS a waste already. I know I'm not supposed to be so negative, but this is a constant thought running through my mind. What am I worth? "Nothing ~ you're worth nothing and you never will be either", my mind whispers at me. Today I don't have the strength or the willpower to argue with it, to tell it that it's not true.
Lately I've been creating daily lists of things to try to do around the house and things to enjoy. I have to have the list because I can't remember anything short-term. I just don't have that part of my brain working correctly on these meds. This is one of the many reasons I'm not able to work. I feel for all practical purposes worthless. I don't bring financial help into the family ~ instead I cost my family their hard-earned money for doctor and therapist visits and medications. And the meds are a double-edged sword. It costs money to be on them but there's no financial payout for being on them…they make me more able to cope with my illness but they have their own symptoms that cause problems and inability to work.
I'm sorry, but today I'm having my own little pity party. It's raining and cold and grey again, my meds are causing problems (but I will see the doc next week), I'm irritable and sad,I have a memorial service to attend tomorrow afternoon, my son is having problems at school and at home, and the list goes on. I know I should write a list of things that are good, but I'm afraid of how short it would be. Silly, isn't it?
My short hypomanic episode caused this fall into dark and shadowy places that scare me. I'm trying really hard not to let it get any worse, but I can't think of anything to do today that would help me.The outdoors are usually my saving grace, but that's not an option today. Maybe I should play violin, but I haven't touched it in a month and I don't want to hear how bad it sounds with the lack of practice lately.
I should call my aunt and offer to do something with her today, but I'm not in any shape to try to hold her up too.
Guess it's going to be one of those 'one breath at a time' days. And if I'm lucky maybe I can pull myself out of the negativity and muck that's cluttering up my head and heart.