9.05.2017
Today was my first day at the transplantology department we started by having a lecture about something about liver transplantation i was not really listening nowadays i feel bad about myself its like i dont really care about being a good doctor as much as to graduate.the lecturer was arrogant when he started talking about should we transplant organs to people who commit suicide.i think for me the person should be given a chance.if he tried to commit suicide once it does not mean he will do it again.for me the doctor was absolutely ridicules when he said what do you need me to do to catch people who are jumping from the bridge and then he continue saying that if we transplant a patient with psychosis there is no chance because the medication that is used to suppress the immune system are steroids and steroids increase psychosis,yet who are you to decide the person with mental illness is sick its that simple and he should be given a chance as any other sick person.that was the first lecture later we went to the ward and we saw a young patient with renal failure who is receiving a kidney from his mother for me i did not know what to think , but honestly after forensic medicine i stopped feeling anything its like there is nothing worse then that,but its for sure sad.later we went with some handsome dr and he was talking and talking and i was just stressing about my upcoming exam i hope things will be fine, im stressing about so many things about going back to saudi arabia , leaving poland , will i gonna graduate and what else . how will gonna take my dog with me and my bird , what about the internship.

14.06.2017

I finally have finished medical school well after 2 years of psychotherapy and 2 admissions to psychitric hospital in 2015 that lasted 15 days. thank god i finally finished with good grad generally.Now im wasting my time doing nothing even though i have polish exam that set on the 29th of june most likly i will not pass that exam , but im trying to force myself to study that wired language and just to go and try.i feel good generally even though im worried about going back to saudi arabia and that all my routine life will gonna change,i feel i will miss my psychitrist alot i agree with him to have some consultations through skype i hope he is still at his word.what else i want to take my dog to saudi arabia and im still trying , but its very difficult thing.what worring me is that my mom has lost my saudi ID and that ID is very important to apply for internship, i will go to the embassy to ask them to give me new one i hope they will agree, otherwise i will apply with my passport and i hope the hospital will accept my application.what else im thinking too much about men and relationship as all my saudi friends got married and have children i really want to be like them.

last exam was urology 9th.06.2017 🙂

graduation ceramony will be next month i hope things will be fine

Monday 4th December,2017

Today was my first day of my internship , im starting with the internal medicine rotation.the rotation is going to be for 2 months. Today was hard as I have dissociation fuge, I was bearly able to see around me , I had blurry vision , headache, tension.last night i decided to increase my medications. I honestly im afraid my medications will finish.today i saw one child with sickle cell anemia , I saw how her mother was worry about her.I also saw two women in the ER with pulmonary embolism. One with respiratonal pneumonia. I hope all patients will be fine and come back to their life and their families.

about me maybe I need to stop thinking about myself only at lest for sometimes.its not like i need to give blind eye or ignore my issues. Just to give time to everything in equality.

Tuesday , 6th of februry , 2018

I have just started my third rotation in my internship year which is dermatology the specility of my dream i hope  i will be a dermatologist in the near future , i love dermatology because i wont have to deal with death i supposed or emergency sitaution, today i wake up at 9:00 a.m and i left my parents house at 9:30 i arrived about 10:00  and i think i missed some cases in the outpatient clinc i saw a patient with hair loss she almost does not have hair left only a few , i felt sad about her the rest of patients they were differenciate between psoriasis to skin warts mostly skin warts i did not know that its so much common in saudi arabia , i remember i had it when i was 7 or 8 years old , it was strange feeling.

Thursday,8th of february , 2018

Today finally i went t0 the hospital after missing 2 days in one week , for sure its caused by oversleeping due to the medications im taking.today i did not see much cases because obviously i arrived to the hospital at 10:00 a.m and i missed for sure many cases of patients.right now i have a lot of issues financial issues , decisions to make about my specialty my constant feelings that no one cares. i reached to the conclusion that even if no one cares i just need to care about my myself.today i saw a case of skin tag , dry skin , some discoloration , contact eczema and for sure skin warts. I decided to go back and work with my previous therapist which was my therapist for 2 years and i feel good about my decision i hope its for the good.

Tuesday,13th of feb , 2018

today i wake up at 7:30 a.m ,but was so bored to get up from the bed so i finally wake up at 8:00 a.m and i arrived to the hospital at 9:30 i wanted to go to my hometown hospital , but i thought i will be so late to work so i just plan to go tomorrow.today at work at the dermatology department i saw cases of warts , psoriasis and vetiligo

Monday , 5th of march,2108

Today as usual i wake up late due to the taking of my medications , i was in struggle to wake up or not but i finally got up to see wethar i will start my new month of internship or not , i came to the hospital and i asked about the dr responsible for the Emergency Medicine training. in fact i dont know what to think . i went to her the first time and she was like so arrugant. i dont know how much i dont like arrogant people she was like you had to start on thursday. i have told her that i had my final day in dermatology on thursday.im supposed to start on sunday which is the 4th of march , she said the weekends we counted them as absences like there is no weekend on emergency medicine, i had to go like 2 times to the internship director to ask him to correct me the dates and thank god she accepted me finally.but again from the bignning its my mistake im the one i had to come on Thursday and i had to give her the papers on thursday and i need to be started on that date i should have postponed that, she has nothing to do with my psychological problems , fear of people or my anxity she just want to do her job properly. i think 3 months is more then enough to adapt on things.now that i graduated , my financial status is better.i need to focus more and do my job better. in just  in life there things you can not buy with money , but you can just create the situation you like so you can feel good inside and outside. I just want to do my job better and focus more and i will try my best to do that with god help and my efforts and hopefully things will be better.