Anixety.  

Laying awake with the lights on throughout the house. I found myself on the chair in the front room at 3.30 am; it dawned on me how severe my anxiety has become. I experienced anxiety attacks from early childhood but I was often viewed them as “temporary“. I never truly understood how anxiety can debilitate one‘s very existence.

I feel trapped in fear. I feel that every stranger is a potential perpetrator; out to hurt me. I‘v become fixated on having to protect myself from all the evil that is out to get me.

The reason why the lights were on is that darkness makes vulnerable. If I‘m in the dark I‘m unprepared, I‘m blind to danger and the enemy has an advantage. I was laying on the chair in the front room because anyone who wanted to hurt me would expect me to be in bed at that time of the morning. It creates a sense of unpredictability; this make me feel safe.

Furthermore, sleeping in a comfortable relaxing bed means letting my guard down.  So instead of sleeping I simply lay on the couch and rest my eyes. Moreover, this feels easier to me as I‘m scared of the images and repressed thoughts from my subconscious surfacing and manifesting the form a “dream“; out of my control, I refuse entertain the idea of being exposed to my fears. and trauma and being completely powerless.  My anxiety has overpowered me so much that I‘m almost 24 but often have to sleep in the same room as my dad; even then I‘m still challenged with intense thoughts of fear. 

Not only does anxiety cripple your sanity but it also imposes itself on you physically.  My anxiety causes me to grind my teeth at night, waking up with swore painful teeth. Thus, why I simply just lay down and rest my eyes. I have developed a fear of being alone, so when no one is available to stay with me. I often sit on my car for hours until someone is at home; being home alone feels as if I‘m afraid of my own shadow.

My psychology background gives me much insight into the causes of my anxiety but when you become the patient it becomes harder to accept help. It becomes harder to view anxiety as a temporary feeling of anxiousness and comprehend that my anxiety is becoming a debilitating mental illness.

Step one of my journey starts today as a share my story with you all. Speaking aloud creates an army to conquer the fear that currently paralyses me. Standing up to your fears somehow makes them less scary.