Sometimes I feel trapped in a never ending cycle. Just as I start to feel normal again, something happens in my life that causes my anxiety to rise. When that occurs, my obsessive compulsive actions become more prominent. It doesn’t matter if I’m anxiously waiting to hear back from a future employer to see if I got the job; if a lot of things are going wrong, which is stressing me out; or even if I’m excited about an upcoming event. Anything that causes an emotion that’s not complacent. Even just now I had to come up with three examples to provide just because I have to do everything in threes. Why? Because I’m trapped.

It all began – or, rather, was discovered – as soon I was old enough to walk. The repetitive actions I had to complete in threes until I felt satisfied that nothing bad would happen began consuming my life. Then the fear came. The fear of stains on fabric that I can’t touch because it seems dirty; the fear of lint that reminds me of dirt against my skin; and the fear of things I can no longer control. My list of fears seems never ending. Almost as long as the number of times I have to do something before it feels right.

When will I ever break free?

1 Comment
  1. marnella 7 years ago

    I don't know if we will ever break free, but we can rise above this evil ocd and hold onto our lives – we can never give up and we can hope and pray that something will "give". In the meantime, we go to bed each night and awake each morning (thankfully), and we start the hell all over again, but that doesn't mean that someday we wont be the ones in control of this illness. I always hope for that – managing this ocd would even make me happy – Im not even asking the impossible – to be "cured" – just to live a basically normal life where I don't fear germs or the death of my child, daily – I will settle for a humble grip over this disease xo

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