Well, all these years and I knew I had OCD but I never seemed to relate to anyone or so I thought, but yesterday I finally read an article which described my OCD and gave it a term. I am a perfectionist OCD girl. The rewriting and rewriting because every letter has to be perfect. Cabinets and Closets completely clean and recleaned and spaced perfect..and then the house a mess because I go to the other extreme because I cant keep up after cleaning the same cabinet and washing every item in it over and over. It was so relieving to read an article that described ME. It made me feel like I wasnt alone in my crazy behavior because someone wrote an actual article about it and it had a "NAME". Now, if only I can stop it and stick to my daily promise to quit I would feel so much relief. It is so exhausting feeling and desiring so badly to be perfect and then sabotaging myself with rituals that are impossible for me to maintain to accomplish any sort of goals. Sometimes, I just scream so loudly in my head and I just want my brain to stop with the nonsense. Ive tried to describe it to my husband and I compare it to someone telling you not to blink. You can hold and force your eyes open for a while but then it starts becoming uncomfortable and the longer you try to keep them open the worse it gets until you just automatically blink. I tell myself to stop, its irrational, i hate it but then i ignore me and feel that I "have" to do it anyways. What would happen if i didnt do it? I know nothing bad only great things but for some reason i dont feel thats an option.. just like blinking..it isnt in my control. UGH
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It is really a huge comfort to know a behavior is common enough to be written about and named, isn't it? The whole perfectionist thing underlies a lot of compulsive behavior. One way it differs from blinking, though, is that if you resist for a while, you eventually weaken the compulsion a little bit. My therapist encouraged me to try breaking it down into little bits: If I can't not wash my hands, I should delay washing, or wash for a shorter length of time, or use less (or no) soap, etc. So, what feels like a failure to you is actually a baby step in the right direction.
Hey girl!Â
This is my area of OCD as well! Making things perfect I have posted some blogs and stuff about my struggle. Basically anthing that can be cleaned or perfected is what I do. I’m getting ready to go on vacation and I would stay up all night cleaning the night before I leave if I had to (I did last year). It makes me feel like everythings okay when I do these things. But of course right after you finish and feel somewhat accomplished its ruined its like stacking a paper card house. When the obsessions are non stop in your head and your trying to sort stuff out you can feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. Therapy has made a huge improvement in my life. It gives you insight, teaches you techniques to fight back, and you learn to accept and reduce your anxiety. It’s worth it everyday you go, just make sure if you go to find someone who specializes in OCD. If you can’t my therapist had me read the book Brainlock and we use many strategies in that I reccomend this book to everyone here. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to confide in or help. (: