Things have been… hectic and somewhat down-making lately.  I got my initial denial for Disability about two weeks ago —

Mind you, if it was just the bipolar thing, I don't think I'd be in the process – I've got my moments of "damn! I'm medicated and it's still this bad?" extremes, but I've been lucky enough to find employers that have understood and let me take leaves when I've been off the deep end.  But I've got a leg I've fractured in the past that still gives me a lot of pain at times, I'm prone to chronic migraines, chronic sinus and ear infections, have "carotid sinus syncope", and the meds I'm on for most of this stuff apparently interact badly at times, making me interact badly with things, particularly with heat… and with unknown factors (I go somewhat unresponsive at times – my family and friends don't let me drive anywhere more then about five minutes away by myself, and that's grudgingly.)

— so we got a lawyer and have started work for the appeal.  Money is hella tight right now, compounded by the fact that we're moving — we've evidently been in the appartment from hell.  We've got ants (really not a huge deal on it's own, although icky), and we've got nastly, black mold!  Not only can we not get rid of the mold on our own, the landlord is trying to insist the mold is our own fault – despite the fact that several of his other units have the same problem.  My girl and my best friend and I were sick all friggin' winter, and still aren't doing that well now that it's spring, despite our best efforts to clean up the components of the mold that we can see.

I feel like I'm getting side-tracked, even though I set out to talk about everything going on right now…

Last week I was in the Hospital for three days.  What started out as the migraine from hell ended up with me puking up blood – Mallory Weiss tear – and they kept me doped up on anti-emetics and pain meds almost the entire time I was there.  Had to have an endoscope too.  Being in the hospital always stresses me out.  Probably because in the back of my mind it reminds me of being inpatient, no matter how different the experience is.

Not to jump back, but moving always stresses me back too.  I don't know why, really, but it does.

It's hard to talk about… but I've been kind of non-compliant lately.  Not really intentionally.  Just… I'd forget to get my meds, and by the time I'd remember it would be too late in the day (or night).  The other night I ended up confessing this to my girl… and the fact that I'd lied to her about it.  There were a few nights that by the time she'd thought to remind me about it (well, ask me about it) I knew damned well it was too late to take them and be on schedule, so instead of having the hassle of telling her I'd forgot, I'd tell her I'd been pretty sure I'd taken them.  (I've been pretty lazy lately about putting my massive list of meds into my pill minders.)

It was really eating me up inside knowing I'd lied to her…  And I was so certain she'd be furious, and hurt, and disappointed.  All she did was wrap her arms around me, and hold me close, and tell me we'd fix it in the morning, and get everything in the minders, and set a twice-daily alarm so I couldn't forget.  And that she was glad I'd told her.  And that she knew I wouldn't lie to her about it anymore.

I have the best girl in the entire world.  I don't know how I'd be getting through all this without her.  I mean, I know I have my sister (best friend), and that's how I kept prodded forward before I met my love (my sister is the one who saved my life when I took my first nosedive that got me diagnosed in the first place), but things have continued to snowball… and things are so much better with her love and support.

My love, my dear one, my soulmate… I don't know how I'd do it without you.


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