This day.. Monday.. First day of the week. A day when everyone goes back to the usual. Work, study.. whatever. Back to the typical.
Typical.. yes thats what I would call it. Typical that I’m back where I started. In a deep dark depression, that hasn’t been around me for a while. I woke up today in the despair that continues to rule my life. One of the first things I did was to log onto DT, write a blog and visit in chat. It made me realise how much I can effect the mood of someone. I can’t expect people to talk to me when they are dealing with thier own crap. So I am sorry to those whom have had to deal with my presence. It wont happen again.
When I left the chat room I was still debating on if I could go to my course. I think I was kidding myself really. I knew I wasn’t going to show up. And no surprise that when I arrived in town, instead of heading to the College, I head the other way to the bus mall. From there I got on another bus and headed out to the suburbs that I don’t visit often. Every time the bus passed a liqour store I wanted to jump off. While I was sitting on the bus, I realised that I am back exactly where I started from. There were so many days where I would say that I’m going to work or something, and then go out and drink until it was time to go back. When I thinking about this, tears welled up in my eyes. ON THE BUS. I forced the tears back and stared out the window so no one would see it.
I went and brought some lunch at the food mall. I brought it, but didn’t eat it. I thought I was hungry, but my appetite left as soon as the food was in front of me. What a waste of money. I went and got my prescription filled for my anti-depressants. I’m hesitant weather I will take them- or take all of them in one go. I don’t know if you can even OD on A/D/s.
On the long bus trip home, I got of the bus and brought a bottle of Vodka. Entering the liqour store again felt like home. Like I could breathe again. It felt right. I was debating weather or not to get the 2 bottles for $50, but decided against it. One bottle will be enough for tonight and maybe tomorrow i’m not sure. When I was carrying the bottle around in my bag, it was like the world was in my shoulders. Like I was carrying some contriban through the shopping centre, and at any moment someone will stop me and ask me what I was going to do with it. I ended up becoming quite paranoid about it.
I haven’t changed. I’m the same old person. I thought things have changed but they haven’t. The feelings were in there, just hidden under a mask. The mask is off. Everything is out again. For the world to see, but in reality no one sees. I’m invisible and thats the way it stays.
I don’t have any classes tomorrow. I have no need to leave the house at any point in time. Mum is going to be out of the house for half the day, and my sister will be at school. I’m going to be alone. The way it’s meant to be. The way I want it to be. The way it HAS TO BE.