I’ve been struggling, feeling lonely again. Feeling alone is not a new experience for me, I am often alone and usually prefer it that way. Unfortunately, the life of solitude I have built for myself sometimes gets to me. I try to foster relationships online, friendships to feed my need for interaction and sometimes a more flirtatious relationship to feel wanted. My anxiety makes it hard to trust people, and being around them makes me anxious; constantly wondering what they’re thinking, if I’ve done something wrong, or if they’re judging me. Being able to look a person in the eyes and knowing what they’re thinking and feeling makes face to face interactions even more stressful.
The problem I find is that those online relationships I allow myself can only do so much to fulfil the actual need for human contact and interaction. There are times when I really just need a hug, or someone to pat me on the back and say it will be alright. Similarly, there are times when what I want most is for a woman to take my hand and tell me she loves me. The relationships I have online are built on words, and as much as words can help or heal they can’t do everything. I still feel that isolation from other human beings that can only be bridged through close proximity and physical contact. I can have neither of those things, and a part of me doubts I deserve them. I am not in a position in life to offer a anyone anything. I have no job, no money, and no prospects. I cannot be the kind of guy that can go out for a few beers with a friend or the kind of man a good woman deserves to be with. I wish I could have friends to spend time with and maybe even confide in, but can’t seem to make myself trust anyone that much. I want to find someone to love me and build a life with, but until I can build a life for myself I can’t fathom asking a woman to come into my life.
I hate being alone, but I am terrified of letting anyone get to know me well enough to want to be around me. The anonymity of the internet allows me to use my personality to win people over, but even that has its challenges. Having spent my life watching others from the outside, I know too well what people want, and how to be the person they are looking for. I show only the sides of my personality that a given person relates to or is interested in, the rest of me staying hidden. A part of me hates that I can’t just open up, but it is just a part of how I am as opposed to who I am.
I want to be accepted, but fear that only some parts of me will be. I don’t know if I will ever be able to open up completely to anyone. And if I can never truly open up and be myself, will ANY relationship I have ever be real? How can someone truly care about me or love me if they really don’t even know me? I can blame society for being judgmental and not accepting me, but at the same time I know that I have never given anyone the opportunity to fully accept me. Instead I stay here in my mind, trapped between the fear of rejection and the longing for acceptance; going nowhere, and changing nothing…
I know it's hard to reconnect because you feel like your ocd has taken over but from personal experience it is better to connect with the world and rejoin in regular activities. For me it was probably the worst thing to do when I hid in my shell but when I starting fighting the compulsions and rejoing my friends and my daily activities it was the best thing for me and me to fight it because it made me realize that I don't have to let this disease take over my life . Take my advice because I would hate to see someone go through the terrible days months and years that ocd took away
Truth be told, my OCD is only a part of the problem. I am, and always have been, overweight. It is the judgmental looks, the staring, and literally "not fitting in" that has led to me isolating myself. It has been going on since I was a child and withdrew from my peers, so it has already taken away decades. All thsoe years of being mistreated showed me what people thought of me, and even now those memories trigger anxiety and hurt…
To some degree, this is something everyone struggles with. It is more difficult and more intense because of your weight and your struggles with OCD, but revealing our true selves is hard for most people. Getting out there and trying to join in somewhere is a good idea. Make it something that really interests you so you are more motivated to stick with it, and so that you get something from it besides the social contact. If you decide to try this, post again to let us know how it's going. Good luck.