I've done a few rituals… And I am like why are you doing that? Stop it… The intrusive thoughts have come to a hault but I have been tring to avoid my tiggers. So I don't know if they are gone… Probably not.
Cirena and I went to Jackson. Went out to eat at Wendys… Where I just couldn't help but to listen to other peoples conversations. I didn't want to but it just happens. Then I looked out the window and thought mmm the mulch needs to be changed. I know it's not summer or anything, it just looked depressing.
Then I just couldn't take the guilty feeling and I texted Derick… I am a fucking idiot… Why do I do that??? He gets on my nerves and I am scared of him but I feel compelled to make sure he is ok… That makes no fucking sense to me. I'm so confused. I think if he is mad at me he will hurt me, so I can't have him mad at me… I know that doesn't make sense. It's like I am fucked either way. And it's not like I don't want to be his friend… But he tricked me… Made me think I could trust him and I did. But now I don't. If that makes any sense…
Then Ricky texted me to ask if we still wanted to go bowling in BC. Which at first I started to write how we were in Jackson blah blah blah but then I erased it and said No, I don't feel well.
Then Derick called me instead of texting back. It's like why do you have to call. Why can't you just text back? i did not answer the phone. I am an asshole. I know this. I don't mean to be.
Then Cirena and I played "Dog" in the middle 🙂 Suzie, our boxer, looks so silly tring to jump up to catch the squeeky toy, and one of our cats joined in. Now Copper is passed out in his dog bed. I wonder if and what he is dreaming of… Maybe Meaty Bones??? He is over weight… lol