Taking a break! I been creating all this morning I'm feeling Okay. My intrusive thoughts are in the back of my mind. I do a lot of embroidery work on fabric and that means using scissors. I get anxiety when I use a sharp object. My husband has to hide the knives away because I am frighten of them. If I see one I get so much anxiety it scares me. I have horrible thoughts and these thoughts are vivid! I hate it!. I work and work everyday creating art and that helps a lot.

About OCD….. When I was young age 6 my father was stabbed to death. After that my mother became depressed with anxiety. She hid knives and checked doors countless times just to make sure door was locked. I watched her do this everyday when I was at this age.

Then when I was 12 I was molested by a family member. Then at 14 I was constantly bullied, it was horrible.

At 15 I saw the most horrific film that traumatized me and my life a living hell.
The movie was about a girl who was bullied everyday. I'm impressionable and so it really was terrible. And the worse part of it all, her parents dressed her up like a girl when she was actually a boy. They wanted a girl. The girl killed the students at camp with a knife. I left the theater traumatized. And I began washing my hands constantly and checking doors back and fourth. I still do that when I anxious. I was raped when I was 20. I find out now that my mom went through the same thing even though she never admitted to me about the intrusive thoughts. She actually told me three weeks ago about having them when she was depressed and full of anxiety when my father died.

I now live in a country I hate. There are too many memories and I feel guilty and trapped and so my thoughts get bad. And it terrifies me. So I have Harm OCD/PSTD

It's been tough and I hope with all my heart and faith that I find peace!
1 Comment
  1. chez 10 years ago

     After everythingh you have been through i hope you do find peace no-one deserves it more take care and stay strong you have got this far keep going.

    0 kudos

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