Someone has to knew something about my condistion. I have been incapable of learning by life since I was a kid. I know my mother did\'nt want me, she never held me or spent any time with me. Not just that but she handed me 2 my oldest sister 2 care 4 me. I was beat, clubbed, put in drawers. No one was allowed to help me nor was I allowed 2 cry or I would be beat worse. If I so much as looked as if I was going to shake mother would beat until I learned to not do even that. I thought what she told me was truth at 2 yrs old. I had no way of knowing she could not read my mind as she said she could. She told me I was lucky she allowed me 2 live. I was not 2 smile or she would slap me, if I laughed she beat me over the head, if I cried she clubbed me until I stopped. If I got my hand caught in car door I would be beat, called stupid & told I was not hurt & if I didn\'t stop crying I would B beat until I did. I was in constant terror! She stood over me with a club when I was put in bed & told 2 sleep NOW & when I did\'nt respond due 2 fear she would club me repeatedly. I have covered so much up by disossiation. I believed I was loved by my family even though I had\'nt seen them much since age 19. I am 52 now. The last time I realy had anything 2 do with my sisters I was hospitolized due 2 their, social services, my ex-husband who was carmic twin 2 mother and my own denial, fear of speaking & standing up 4 what I knew to be my true nature. My nature is kind, loving, genorous, loyal, work until I drop, never ask 4 help or say I hurt cause I\'ll be beat,. but even that was in denail system I just knew when I got hurt I became very terrified. I knew it was not pride that kept me from asking for help at work or in socail situations but terror. Everyone has always told me asking 4 help is how we learn & we don\'t have 2 do this thing called life alone. I have been alone since chil. 1st memory is of rejection by sisters & brother. But I just couldn\'t believe a family would not have commassion or empathy for each other.I found it was not that way with each other but with me only. I am not crazy per say. I am in shock! I didn\'t get it or believe what was happening these last 3 years. It was after cymbalta & I started 2 feel high anxiety, bone tired, migraines, back aches, no pheripheral sight, then halos & white curtains. I could barely dress myself from 3/08 to 9/09 but could get not one person 2 assist me due to my being an addict. I had been in recovery 4- almost 10 years with Kaiser trying mulitude of different meds to assist in depression & anxiety. It was Cymbalta that I thought I had no side effects BUT all that was wrong with me WAS the side effects!! Kaiser told me it was all me & due to my history of being told that every time I got clubbed, slapped, put in a drawer, molested after being dragged out of bed by my hair by my own mother & told all my own torture was my fault since birth, I believed Kiaser & thought I was in hell with no escape. I had been working 2 jobs & full time school on a scholarship and went to laying in a garage at sister\'s with her telling me same as my mother did. That there was nothing wrong with me even though I was standing up & falling over like a tree, wetting my pants, wearing depends, I could barely see, I stumbled around, no short term memeory, confusion. I could barely make out what was being said. I laid there not knowing what to do. When I lost my kaiser insurance. I egajorated my drug use to get on methadone to take away the bone tired, migraines, back aches. I was running scared & I have been running scared since 11 when I saw my mother do to a little boy what she had done to me. I have not been able to learn since his 2 year torturing at the hands of my own mother, who I loved. That part disgusts me seeing as part of my recovery & my own denail I went to her & made an amends for being the rotten child she said I was even though I never hit her back until age 15 when I thought for sure she was going to kill me & defended myself fopr the 1st time in my life and after leaving her house I have never defended myself again. I have let people fill in blanks about me for 41 years & I sick of it. I have walked in rage turned inward for my life because I swore I would nevver do as she did unto my own children & NEVER DID! Even though my husband who never supporred us & lived on the childrens welfare & I covered 4 him & his taking from his own children as my mother took from her own children until I said no. He then turned me into the state, told me he would get me for caring more for my children then him. I have lost so much for not standing up for myself! I let people fill in what they think for my not fighting back. I would have been killed as child & almost was 100\'s of times. I went away at 5 & again at 11 when my mother tortured Robbie to death & blamed hime 4 his own death just as she blamed me for all my own molestations. She would hold my head in toilet & drown me telling me what a piece of shit I was born as. I know I couldn\'t talk as child & found strangers to talk to. They were safer then living in my mother\'s house where no one was allowed to help me even though I needed in all through childhood. I was pushed into a drawer & laughed at while in terror. I hid all that from myself! Until cymbalta & kaiser telling me all the side effects were all me & klike the hardwiring form mother I believed them just as I believed my husband when he told me he eat my head in & cheated on me and took all our money that I worked under the table with my children to get & if I didn\'t give it to him he would take my babaies from me and did in the end because I said no more! Drug addiction is what hid the real truth from myself. Getting clean I started the same pattern of working 2 jobs, paying all bills, all past bills, paying bills B4 & in advance, until cymbalta & kaiser saying I had missed the criticle window 4 hep C even though it had been in remmision for over 10 yrs. They wouldn\'t even explian to me how I missed it when they were the  DRS! I was asked to get up no byobsy for me cause I bleed to death they said. Even that was the side effects to cymbalta! I got on pain pils & valium because I was in hell & didn\'t know it was cymbalta!! No hair rasing feeling, underwater feeling,  none of like prior meds. All of what I felt, the standing & falling over, the blindness, no not being able to understand a sentance, no short term memeory, stumbling, confsion, peeing pants, bone tired so tired I could barely put my own clothes on for over a year, but ,methadone counselor kept patting me on head when I told him I couldn\'t take care of myself. It meant I could barely understand a sentance or dress  myself. One of my sisters did it for me & got sick of doing it and wanted me out. I was falling off curps, people were picking me clean saying only problem was I was on drugs. NO drugs but methadone & cybalta. I was in nightmare with people yelling at me that I couldn\'t blame cymbalta and that I was stupid & something was wrong with me but it couldn\'t be what it was. I tried to kill myself twice & 15 days later my one sister told me to stop playing games, nothing was wrong with me & if I did,t go to work or school I was to get out! I had to go to school. I couldn\'t hardly figure out how to do anything. A walking talking zombie with NOT ONE SOUL on earth willing to help me even though I was begging. screaming, I can\'t see, iunderstand, dress myself or walk, stand without falling over. They were saying I was not doing follow thru, not listening & do it over, oh god mother had me do over 10000\'s of times and never could get it right for her and I was clubbed, just as my sister did while I was laying in cold garage for 1 1/2 yr saying as mom nothing wrong with me get out even after I just pid her rent. I was lost & ppeople would not listen, they said excuses, blame, self pity when I literally could barely see, know what was being said, no short term memory. Even in TX I could not get anyone to hear me. I have been unable to get my brain to move past Robbies MURDER by hands of my mother. NO excuses, self pity, blame. I literally did\'nt know I knew but my family does!! Babay sister said "you were supposed to stop talking & that is why you got what you got!" Not even that is reason, reason is mother sadist allows men to molest 2 yr old ME so she could get $$ and she had me pay her from 16 to 18 so I could be out of her house. She tried to kill me and I went away inside myself so I could live in that house while stepfather molestedme then held my hands behind me while mother kicked, bite, jabbed, clubbed, burnt, electricuted me at age2 and kept torture up while I was defenseless. She redered me incapable of seeing dander even. My radar is so messed up that I have been beat up and raped dosons of times as an adult. CYMBALTA & KIASER said all side effect ALL me and I believed it. I am 9 months off it and can barely figure out where I am still getting lost, going to doc after doc for help but if I say addict I get turned away as trash! Last dr called me a criminal, junkie, homeless, crazy,whore who should know what time it is. All people in recovery don\'t get itr I haver been doing repition complusion, unable to change my own brain redered incapable at or b4 11! While in recovery I am sensetive, gental, kind, workaholic, angle with rigousous honesty, one use and not commet any crimes other then how much I used which I had to say more my friend told me because kiaser said no way after  a couple of uses. I HAD to stop the feeling of self combust & pain, bone tired dead, confusion, no joy all cybalt and I told all me, kiaser said no methadone but I lost insusrance. I stopped cybalta lots of times 3 days or more but all the confusion, pain, peeing, falling over got worse, at hospitol when going to kill self DR said if hurt more to go off stay on. That is so wrong!! I was zombie, vegetable pushing myself to hold onto life and DRs refuse to listen to what they thought way a homeless junkie. I had 2 jobs, I took all my jelwry to a shelter thinking my sister would steal it because she took my fireplace heater B$ I could get it and I was trying so hard to hang onto life that I told her if possessions were so much more important to her than my life take it I\'d get it later and went back to drop on couch in cold garage. I couldn\'t barely function. The fact of addiction only barrrier to get the help of the very people sworn to up hold life. They mean life if not used a drug. Same as with children. In work I am workaholic, not one employee will tell you I didn\'t show up & work 24/7 if need be. Not take a paperclip, managed mulimillion dallor bldgs. but once I took a pain pill not one soul would listen to REAL systoms and did as mother did and said I was the problem, I was the reason I couldn\'t see, fall like tree when stood up and fell on couch unable to function for over a year and a half. I had to quit my job CLEAN because I couldn\'t function, then I took a drug! But Kaiser said no way cymbalta and everyone else too. Same I am same person since age 11 as far as my brain, I can learn facts, and how to do any job u give me but if boss says why are you doing that when I\'m doing this I start to have panic attack and never understood it until TX when no one would listen and very real problem form having sister dress me to stumbling to Tx whwere I said I was befuddeled and counselors said I was hypocondrac even though the 1st thing I have ever done when hurt was to panic & try to hide it B4 I got tortured until I stopped screaming. I did\'t let people help me because no one was allowed to help me as child or they would get into trouble, just as when I grabbed Robbie and ran with him to hide in bushes. Mother clubbed him & me as I ran. she burnt him, clubbed him and killed him and said it was his fault that he died just as it was my fault that men did what eever they wanted to me. My fault that stepfathet touiched me and then held my hands as mother beat me and told me if I told she would kill me and that nothoing happened and if it did it was all my fault. It was my fault for living she said, she didn\'t want to look at me and would slap me just because I was to ugly to look at, mu fault and I am saying CYMBALTA & KIASER shoukld be held accountable just as my mother ought to beheld accountable for the brain damage in me and Robbies MURDER. He died after 2 years of her sadistic torture of him from 2 to 4. i was in 5th grade and I have been stuck there until cymbalta and everyone outside of me yelling to snap out od being stubid that I was lying when I could barely understand a sentance, no yelling at me was getting me to not be confused on cymbalta, no do it over & over as counselor of 32 had me do because I couldn\'t remember past 5 minutes and everyone thought I was stupid & kept yelling what\'s wrong with U? 3 weeks after cymbalta and life savings in jelwry got stolen and the staff took it at shelter seeing as it was behind combo lock but homeless junkie who hadn\'t really been homeless since 1990, twenty years. I put a roof ovcer not only my head but husbands, boyfriends because that is how I was raised. Mother said I owed her for allowing me to live and that meant I worked until I dropped and gave it al to her. I did that all my life until last boyfriend who told me I was going to hell for not being precent Jesus freak like him, said In NA all people going to hell if not say Jesus. Even he made me sit next to him and not read my books. Called my college education "indoctrination" and that I would go to hell for not following him the lead man & me woman.Just as catholic child born to sex, rage, sadist, who put me in drawer, put me in tiolet to drown like piece of shit I was born as. NOT piece of shit! Soft, honest for most part, have to think to lie otherwise I am rigourosly honest, I am loyal, senitive, workaholic, angel they called me. All it took to not be believed when telling, begging, pleading for help from medical industry is relaspe and I not changed in brain since 11. It is amazing how being an addict and not having anyone know it was all I needed to be alive or dead at over 7 different providers who have turned me away because I Spent MY MONEY on drug TX and rent when I needed CYMBALTA taken away by a DR with cappassion and the use of their head or more appopreately their HEART. There is no heart for addiction in a hospitol emergency room or at kaiser\' s phyc dept. I have eval from one who was smart too bad I didn\'t know what incapable of learning meant and went to school to get A\'s for 3 years. My intellect, my heart is so soft it took drugs to get me to talk after Robbies death MURDER. And because my mother tortured me before Robbie I have sworn never to do what she did to another. I have waliked away, and been treated like a piece of shit for 41 years. While I will work until I drop even while sister said I was out in street PLAYING homeless, I worked full time. Even while in TX twice I had a job B$ blackout nad within one week of being put into Tx. Both times counselor said work too soon but tape playing from denail, earn my keep, no one allowed to help me or else I be hurt and sisters knew it! I didn\'t because I went away so far inside me I not feel connected tp world ever. Have to drink as child just tpo talk. I talk to one person who will listen. No stranger danger as child. I ran the streets as 5 year old and sister thought I loss my world and I\'m out playing while I was getting beat up and rap[ped again on street working in skidrow taverns so I wont have to ask for anything cause in back of subconsciousness was mother going to kill me if anyone helps me or I tell anyone I\'m hurt. I need the help of a good doctor and lawer and being one with the DISEASE of addiction, I will end up dead B$ anyone will help a person whose brain is incapable of what others have yelled at, kicked on, beat silly, rapped, made to eat my own vomit, told I make eccuses since 11, blame has no part here, it\'s what have I done since 11. I have TOLD THE TRUTH> two priest found me out to be fragile of spirit, not knowing when others are taking advantage of me even now at age 52. I trust the untrustable and have empathay because I am empathic. ADHA off the hook can barely function in quiet class room but after barely able to dress myself and get to inpatient TX, because I knew I would die if I didn\'t, some little girls half my age tells me I\'m a hypocondrac rather then listen, just as the last untrained counselor had patted me on my head when I told him ICAN"T DRESS 

for over a year and it is\'nt because of street drugs or anything. I have lived a nightmare for far too long. I loved recovery! LOVED it! I had HUGE fear of streets because I\'ve known I couldn\'t protect myself out there. I didn\'t have anything to put in place wrere other people got something as child, I got beat for asking, clubbed for thinking one good thought about myself or even looking as if I might. I was not given even a coat some years everything I had went to my younger sister who had it while I went without. Even today she is a healer who says I am too damaged to be healed, too backwards to do anything. If I compliment her on a jacket & ask where she got it she told me I wouldn\'t knew because it is too high end of a store for me. How is that for me as child saying pleas let\'s not fight I love you! I walked back after 30 years, onlt time around then B$ when they told everyone I was a piece of shit.  I was born piece of shit that just sits there and says nothing every time the family I loved kicked me down with words and actions and I did\'nt geet it. It makes me sick to think I went back and paid for food, and every other thing until my 32K was gone and they did just as they did as children kicked me to street while3 blind and unable to care for self. Called suicide "playing games" just as suicide attempt at 5 and 13 and last time they were around me. Not once did I attempt suicide when I had no contact with them but I walked in with open heart, open arms, open wallet, closed down brain and got more of same. NOONE GETS THIS BRAIN DAMAG. I am patient but 41 years of being called a liar is too much for me. My brain shuts down when people start calling me a liar! I get triggered when I know I tell the thruth and my heart is open and begging, pleading please! I\'ll die out in street if I go back thjer! Please believe me. I refuse to do onto others as was done onto me. I will not lie, steal, cheat. Yes I have lied and ironic is that Kaiser would not give me methadone after 3 weeks use or after 3 pain pills but the methadone clinic wouild not listen to the real problem it was only my being clean for over 6mths, 8mhts, 9mths, and I was brainless zombie, money for them as I begged please and tried to kill self X2 while on the CLINIC and telling them I can\'t take care of sel, not able to dress self and yet they continued to doseme and let me wander unprotected. My sister had no idea what to do withg me. She tried to wash me, dress, me drive me, but 24/7 care was too much for her so my other sister put me out. They thought it was demenia, counselor thought it was alteimers none the less they all didn\'t know what to do and wanted me gone. Let me rock and beg please believe me. I hid in closets, I couldn\'t take anymore, weeks of going to DRs begging for help, my brain doesn\'t work and every week she put me out of office after she got me on soboxin. I had no brain to function. people yelinng "Are U stupid or what?" I repeated myselfd like broken record DBT skill and still noone could see it feel, touch it and it was in my brain brought on by cymbalta and I have been readered once again in life incapable of using the one thing I needed to function. HOPELESS!! I got diorientated even after 9 months, I do\'nt know hwere I am and poeple keep saying I wont do this or that when I literally am unable to do it. I came back into rooms of NA and get nothing but judgement told IT\'s not good to be angery, U did all this to yourself and I want to attack them but try to forgive thier ignoance and hope they never have to be helpless while people pick them clean of all their money, knock them over, take thier jewlry and have everyone just say stop feeling sorry for yourself as I sat ther UNABLE to know what was happening around me and the yelling hurt my ears i thought I\'d go insane rocking out raged this time rather then inraged. I am sick to death of living in a world of people who call themselves good, spiritual and yet do\'nt know 1st thing about uncondional, listening with their heart rather then thier ego and wallets. I\'m ready to eeither find a real person to listen or take an exit to this hard place of spiritual phony liars who have no real insight to where I went to. 3 months I was with God alone, so much brain damage, too many yelling, pushing, projecting as I could barely function, manically cleaning from noise in TX with 20 or0 yr younger woman who will feel body aches like me in 20 year rather then say I am hypocondriac. I no say one peep when come off 110 mils. of methadone but say 40 times a day somethiong wrong wit bvrain, NOT working and how many times,, to how many doctors and counselor for over 3 years repeat myself and get not one helper since find out I relapse, get clean 8mths, relapse 3wks, clean 6mths, 8mths,9mths all in three year period MORE CLEAN THEN DIRTY> MISTAKE Saying I did more then really did so get methadone for pian and bone terror pain and Kaiser said not cymbalta but 3 weeks off cymbalta ALL of the stuff starts to go but child counselor says I can\'y say it is cymbalta or it\'s called blame ore you out of your child mind! I am not even that slow in intellegect. Big difference, I wanted to knock her down and tell her not to blame me for her ass of floor but I have\'nt been able to hit anyone since boyfriend called me bitcch and I say go cause mom called me whore, cunt, bitch at 2 yrs old and continued that everytime a man gave her money for my boby and she clubbed me and said it didn\'t happen but if it did it was my fault. I took that from my husbamnd every time he cheated he said it was my fault and I BELIEVED IT!! NOT true and not true now CYMbalta and KIASER say all me and I beieved it too until 3 weeks off it and my brain started to come back. my eyes started to function again. What is wrong with a world who thinks a little girl who sniffed gas and tried to kill herself at 5 is evil even though she loves, will not hit, hates mean words to anyone because it triggeres fear of being clubbed and Robbie getting killed by a mother I am sick thinking I went back to family with an open heart and so much denail! I\'ll either get help or die cause if my brain wont do as everyone says I refused to do while I have balls to walls for 41 years  tried to do whoilke being punished for not doing what my brain will not do no matter how hard I work, pray, get rapped, beat, jailed, kicked out of sister;s while paying rent, talkied to like trash by medical profession while my brain literally will not do what everyone says their judgements are mean, fgoul, ugly and as sentive as I am I ca\'nt wont live wit another year after 41 tears of telling the truth and being called a liar>