My heart has been on a solid race this entire day, and my stomach is so queasy. Not sure what brought on this feeling today, but I am figuring it won't be leaving anytime soon. Had a snowday from school, from the epic midwest snowstorm. I enjoy spending the day alone, usually. Yet today I was fine and relaxed a bit in the morning, but since noon I've been feeling so antsy to get out and do something. This feeling of anxiousness actually began last night, and I stayed up until about 1 in the morning flat out fidgety to do something. Fell asleep, woke up today feeling okay. Then it began…pure restlessness. My heart has not stopped pounding excitedly, and I cannot relax. I want to cry!

So much is going on right now. I've got college next year, and as if that's not big enough, I am going down south to visit my sister, brother, and possibly my mother as well–each of which I have not seen for 8 years–in a couple months. My situation with them is so complicated, and i don't think I should go into it now for fear of feeling even more unstable. I am getting a headache writing this.

I also am starting to feel increasingly upset over a guy i shouldn't be associated with. Two simple reasons we should not be speaking are: i'm 18, and he's 30. Second, he's an alcoholic, and tendencies of extreme paranoia (Ithat i am just now starting to recognize.) No one knows about him, but me. It started as a friendship online over our mutual loneliness, a year ago. Good grace my mind is throbbing right now, and my hands are so shakey i can barely type or concentrate on this. Either way, i haven't spoken to him in 2 months now. It's so painful for me, to feel rejected…even though he is an alcoholic, i should expect this. Plus he owes no committment to me. It just sucks i guess, he was my limited escape. Just trying to breathe right now.

I feel like a fool on here.


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