Been a rough night. Still awake, can’t sleep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. It seems like I was doing so well, but for the past few days I’ve been so on edge. Not to mention grouchy for no apparent reason. I assume it has something to do with me still being a bit sick, since my sinuses decided that they wanted to party with my stupid cough/sore throat. And on top of all that I’m close to passing out at my computer although I don’t really want to go to sleep. I’m a little afraid to because I gave in to my urges and took some pain killers. Mind you, I say it’s due to my illness, my back hurting, or the bloody holidays. But I know it’s because I just don’t want to cope with anything right now. And the really messed up part is that I got into a stupid argument with my guy tonight because when he got here all he wanted to do was bitch about his ex. I’m just tired of hearing about her. It seems like every conversation we have is about how much she aggravates him and how much he can’t stand her. Of course my self-doubt tells me that it’s because he isn’t over her and he still wants her back no matter how much he affirms the opposite. I mean, if he doesn’t still have feelings for her why does he always find a way to bring her up in nearly every conversation? Now I’m beginning to think that he doesn’t want me because I’m not the skinny tall perfect looking Barbie he used to be with. And I know what a horrible personality she has, I know how she is selfish and never takes accountability for her own problems. I know she would rather spend time with her drinking buddies or go out with her new boyfriend rather than spend time with their son. But I still have that stupid nagging voice in my head that tells me I will never be good enough simply because I will never be her. The really f-d up part about that situation is that I do not want to be her. I just feel like he talks and talks about her because he is still in love with her. And if that’s the case he should go back to her because short of waking up tomorrow six inches taller and twenty pounds heavier, I can’t become her. Why do I have to work so hard for him to love me? I mean, he says he loves me, but I mean that can’t eat can’t sleep go to the ends of the earth just to see me happy in love with me feeling. That’s what I want. Why can’t I just have that, once in my life? I believe in karma, and I must have done something horribly wrong in my life or past life that these things keep happening to me. I just want some peace, some clarity, someone to accept and love me for who I am. Not someone who sees that I will never be the person they used to be with.