I haave been up in the country, its more calming for me here. But right now I am so on edge its not funny. I feel it in every fiber of my body. I took my pill early just now in hopes so chilling out some. I stopped in here so I dont have a facebook mealt down. people dont want to hear your shit there.

My plan is not going the way it was suppose to. My bf INSISTED on geting a home equity line of credit to fix my house. Now a month later i am still waiting and I was hoping to have the garden fixed already. but i am waiting on this loan.

I put a lot of effort in buying seeds and planting them in little pots because i thought the garden would of been done. The now really need to be transplanted or everything I did and spent time and money will be wasted.

Now the loan is close to closing. Now he is telling me to ask the contrator who was a friend for 20 some years if he takes credit cards because he doesnt want to use the loan. He is making me feel like a real ass . I was there when he wanted money to buy condo after condo and running me broke, now I need the money the game is on. I think he has an idea of buying soming thing else with the loan now and making me wait even longer if ever. My basment door does not lock. Anyone can get inside. I pump my basment every rain storm. All the antiqes have been ruined.Animal and what I am fearfull the most snakes can get inside. I feel like crawling up the wall right now. He wont even come and hold a ladder for me so i can clib to the roof to fix the chimmy cause he cant do anything.

the only thing he does is pays bills and spends money. i am stuck, because i am MARRIED to him so i and my son can recive health benifts. the condos are all half in his name even though i bought it.

suiside always come into mind i have a bottle full of cloz of what ever pam and a bottle of wine. BUT I have a son who I would not do that to, suside is selfish and i wouldnt do that to anyone. i know how i felt when my sons dad hung him self.. i just entertain it in my thought. must be the gothic in me.


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